Sunday, September 13, 2015

“I’ve Married My Mother!” – A Discourse On Opposites and Attraction

by John Boodhansingh of Zero Mindfulness

Funny, isn’t it? How so many people say: "I’ve married my mother!" or "I’ve married my father!"

Of all the fish in the sea, isn’t it peculiar that so many folks, if not early on in their relationships then certainly more so with the passage of time, come to the realization that they’ve “married” one of their parents?

The answer is quite simple: No.

It is not peculiar, not in the least, at least once we know the difference between what we’re superficially looking for and what we’re truly looking for in a relationship and why.

What Am I Looking For?

There is only one “thing” in the whole of this dualistic existence that any of us ever truly want. We usually don’t know consciously that this is what we want and may often believe we have it to a greater or lesser extent… But we don’t—perhaps ever.

Nonetheless, because we’re subconsciously aware that we’re missing the realization of this “thing,” we go on seeking to obtain it via the only methods we know—these methods being fully external and taught to us by our parents… Who, it just so happens, were seeking to realize the same “thing” in a way taught by their parents, though they themselves were unsuccessful.

And thus, in our unwitting search, we’ve all so far come up short.

What is this “thing” I speak of?

Unconditional Love.

The “Problem” of Duality

The central “problem” of duality for those seeking Unconditional Love is that Unconditional Love is of wholeness, of completion of self. This means that Unconditional Love cannot actually be found within our divided, duality-based experience.

We don’t recognize this consciously, however, and so we go on searching, searching, searching, using whatever means seem appropriate to us.

Often, this means that whatever qualities we see in ourselves, we unconsciously seek to match their opposites in the external world.

This means that marriage usually becomes (…Spoiler Alert!!!...) not a true love relationship but an affair unwittingly designed by two duality-minded individuals to offer each other the “2nd half” of themselves.

The Elusive “2nd Half”

In needing to realize wholeness yet not understanding the greater need to go within to do this, no matter how many times we may marry our 2nd half will remain elusive.

Consider the examples below, where the male and female play equal and opposite roles. Note that the roles presented for each gender can be reversed.
  • Male is rageful; female is submissive.
  • Male is an alcoholic; female is dry.
  • Male is intelligent; female is foolish.
  • Male is sociable; female is shy.
  • Male is big-mouthed; female is timid.
  • Male is athletic; female is lazy.
  • Male is prosperous; female is poor.
The list goes on, with every trait having a polar opposite.

Experientially, this typically forms the cornerstone of marriages:

Two people unconsciously see in each other their “2nd half.” They unconsciously fall in “love” with an idea of completion. And they unconsciously go off and attempt to live a life together under the false pretense that their marriage has been consecrated by heaven and will last forever.

Yikes! That’s a lot of unconsciousness!

Is it any wonder why the divorce rate has skyrocketed? It is any wonder why people get married and divorced 2, 3, and 7 times and are still restless as ever?

Parental Influence

Parents give their children the foundation of what they know (beliefs, fears, etc.), whatever that may be, these teachings often being passed on wordlessly, vibrationally. Children adapt these teachings each in their own unique way and then express them in some form during every interaction they have with others.

In example, suppose our father is sociable man who’d married the shy woman who is our mother. They’d done what seemed appropriate to them based on what their parents had done and their parent’s parents and so on. (Though of course no one had ever specifically told them they’d married in order to realize a 2nd half.)

And so, without making the very conscious, deliberate effort toward true self-understanding which most of us have never done, we only have what our parents have given us to work with (for good, bad, better, worse, or indifference) and so have no choice but to live within these limits (not that we'd ever label them this way).

In a “parallel” sense, this means that if we’re female we would carry some of the traits which Mother does. As we grow and get into relationships, we will then, as Mother did, seek a 2nd half who compliments our own half. If Mother is shy, we would be shy, and we’d therefore seek a more sociable male as a partner. We’d thus “marry” our father.

In a “perpendicular” sense, Mother may be shy yet we are quite sociable. And here now during this reading, as a female, we think, I’m not shy like my mother. Indeed, I’m the proverbial social butterfly. We must take care in such thought, for it may be ego blinding us, and we may still end up in a relationship for unconscious reasons.

It could be asked at this point, Where does my sociability come from? Is it authentic or is it taught? Because if it’s authentic, then we will know it at the core of our being; we will be unshakable, fearless in this regard. If it’s merely been learned (as taught in unawareness by Father) or created as a defense mechanism of sorts (like, I refuse to be shy like Mother), well, guess what?

We’re still dancing with duality. We’re still going to be unwittingly searching either for a 2nd half who will provide the shyness or for a sociable one who will support the perceived “rightness” of our fears and false beliefs we’ve created toward our mother.

Similar can be said of males.

As a side note, but certainly not of any less importance, we need also to be aware of our motives when a relationship would result in our mate being the equal or opposite of both our parents.

For instance, if both parents are shy, we may find ourselves attracted to other shy people. This could be indicative of both a need to prove our shy ways “right” as well as a means of seeking parental approval. If our parents are shy yet we seek a sociable mate, as before, this could indicate some kind of unconscious rejection rather than true desire.

The Good News: You Need Not “Marry” Your Mother or Father! …But You’ve Gotta Do the Work!

As I’ve alluded to above, “marrying” one’s mother or father is not a necessity. We’ve only done it for the last few thousand years or so because we’re silly like that.

Through this writing, I’ve frequently used the terms unconscious and unwitting—terms describing a state of unawareness.

I know it’s going to be difficult for some (perhaps many) who read this to accept that they are living their lives in the unaware manner I’ve suggested. No less, the truth is the truth, and we can’t really grasp this truth until life throws us a major curveball—read: (commonly) a deeply traumatic experience which forces us to face our lack of integrity, our lack of wholeness and self-awareness—or we willing begin doing the deep self-inquiry required to make our unconscious conscious and thus develop a greater self-awareness while releasing our as yet unrecognized limitations.

If we’re lazy and our significant other is quite active, is there any better argument? On some level, do we not wish to be more active ourselves? Are we not looking for completion through them? Sure. Isn’t it evident now that perhaps our 2nd half has an interest in us because s/he would like to learn to take it easy once in a while? Sure.

Because laziness and over-activity alike are fear-based (the former being of apathy and/or despair and the latter of avoidance of internal discomfort). Neither is the deeper truth of who we are or what we want.

By all means, we may have a personality preferring peaceful homeyness or one instead leaning toward frequent rock concerts and mountain climbs. There is nothing inherently wrong with either. But if our relationship is one of laziness and go-go-go as an unconscious cooperative attempt at “completion,” then we are a testament to these very words.

Be aware that none of this is meant to suggest that this 2nd half business is a problem, as such. It’s only a “problem” in the sense that it’s an existential lesson. Remember, lessons are not just found in math text books—they are the very reason we are here in human form on earth!

And so we must do the internal work concerning relationships, which carry some of the greatest lessons.

If we aren’t in a relationship, we can work out what traits we would look for in a significant other and see how they apply to us and our parents. If we are in a relationship, then we should be readily able to compare traits between our significant other and our parents and self-inquire as to why we’ve made the choice we’ve made.

If we are currently in a relationship and it strikes us that, My girlfriend/wife is my mother! then we’ve surely become cognizant that we’re caught up in the consequences of unconscious action. We now have enough awareness to begin the inner work necessary to get to release our misalignment.

And it is time to do the work when we realize these things because not only do life lessons come up when Life deems it’s time for us to “face the music,” but once we see we cannot unsee, which means that anything we do to follow up that is not of healing is avoidance. Conscious avoidance creates inner friction (usually more than unconscious avoidance) which causes both external troubles and internal dis-ease.

A Happy Ending

Let’s pretend we see the truth and do the work in a timely, healthy manner.

What do you suppose the outcome would be of breaking down the internal wholeness-denying barrier of I-am-the-1st-half-and-need-a-2nd-half-for-completion?

The Unconditional Love we’ve unknowingly been seeking through unconscious means can be realized, can be experienced consciously. But the implication of Unconditional Love is self-completion. Such experience is for each of us and each of us alone. It is not an experience anyone else can give to us. For it arises from the space where duality has no say. It arises within.

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