Thursday, November 24, 2016

TXT MSG: “You’re Dumped.”

by John Boodhansingh of Zero Mindfulness



I once overheard a woman complaining to her neighbor. The way I could hear this woman belting out her woes from 150 feet away, it seems to me that she wasn’t very worried about maintaining her privacy.

And why would she be concerned with her personal issues being overheard? Self-sustaining victims typically aren’t.

Of the conversation, this is what I picked up:

“He always has his face in his phone! …I was out driving to [indiscernible] and he sent me a text message that said: [indiscernible]…

“I mean, really!? What kind of man are you!?”


I cannot say what words filled in the “[indiscernible]” blanks. But it doesn’t matter in that specifics are irrelevant. What is relevant are the underlying themes.

We’re all aware of how text messaging has enabled our society to take a turn for the worst by allowing us to text important messages in order to avoid uncomfortable feelings and face-to-face contact.

TXT MSG: You’re dumped.

Let’s take a closer look at what’s happening here. I will continue on with a breakdown of the above incident, but I’d ask you to consider, with brutal honesty, how this may apply to your own life. The woman’s words are meant as a springboard for self-healing, not as an open door for scorn, self-righteousness, and so on.

“What Kind of Man Are You!?”

The ranting woman was so certain that the guy on the other end of the phone was at fault. And, you know, if I were to do as she was and focus solely on her physical experience, then I would have to agree—that guy must be a total a-hole.

But, of course, I have no interest in judging the guy and am much more inclined to consider how the woman’s experience “out there” mirrored her unaddressed and imbalanced experience “in here.”

After the guy said something she didn’t take very kindly to, she said bitterly to her neighbor but as if to the guy himself: “What kind of man are you!?”

Perhaps the better question for the woman to have asked is: “What kind of woman am I?”

By raving to her neighbor, the woman revealed to the world that she believes herself to be a helpless victim. How can I say this? Because people who don’t see themselves as victims neither complain to others (or themselves) about their life discomforts, nor do they choose the other pole of trying to avoid their discomforts completely by covering them with a “life is rainbows and gumdrops” facade.

If the woman wasn’t a self-affirming victim, her neighbor would have had little if any part in what had occurred. Why? Because the woman would have stood up for herself. She would have commanded what she wanted up front—respect—and thus proven to herself that she’s worthy of it. But she didn’t do this. She instead resisted the truth of her discomfort—that she needs to personally stand up for herself in order to claim herself worthy of respect—and then later on tried to prove to her neighbor why she’s didn’t get respect but should have.

Although this incident I’d witnessed had appeared in this particular fashion, it’s not all that different from the instances that so many people in today’s “civilized” world regularly go through; that is, that so many people regularly put themselves through.

Yes, sure, maybe a wife or husband or friend or great aunt thrice removed has some inner garbage causing them to dump their hurt on other people via heartless text messages. But more importantly, especially when it comes to relationships where these similar instances come up over and over and over again, what is it about people who receive these messages that recurrently attract them to the same hurtful experiences?

If you find yourself in this boat, you may find it worth your while to get out a pen and paper and figure out your role. Whatever you’ve said about the other person, turn it around on yourself. Also consider what you’re trying to get, something of which you will not know you are trying to get until you inquire. This could be respect, validation, approval, etc.; there could be a mirror of your father’s behavior and you perceive and “accept” the trouble spot as “unconditional love”; and so forth.

How will you know you’re on the correct path?
  1. You’ll see that what you blamed on others begins with you.
  2. You’ll be both amazed and horrified.
  3. As you change yourself, you’ll find that the daily experience that meets you in the external world will change as well.

“He Always Has His Face In His Phone!”

The raving woman was so ticked off in part because the guy “always has his face in his phone.”

What is evident in this is that the guy is addicted. Which leads to 2 questions, both of which have answers that may surprise you:
  1. What is the cause of addiction?
  2. To what is the guy addicted?
If you have any conventional definitions of what the cause of addiction is, you can forget about them. These ideas and beliefs (ex: “it’s a genetic predisposition”) are crafted and reinforced by a society that refuses to face the truth. Hence, why addiction resolution is infrequent.

Addiction is the behavior people take on when they are disconnected from themselves, when they see life as meaningless and themselves as worthless and helpless. People become addicted (to cell phones, alcoholism, food, etc. because they subconsciously feel a ginormous void within themselves. They wish not to face the trouble spots in their external experience, either not knowing how to deal with them or not wanting to deal with them, and so distract themselves by hiding away in the gray-area netherworld in between “in here” and “out there.”

As for what the guy is addicted to, yes, sure, his cell phone. But far more importantly he’s addicted to his lowly self-beliefs, his fears of being candid with the woman, and, we could only imagine, a whole host of other inner garbage.

But we mustn’t forget about the mirror aspect. It wouldn’t be right to point out the guy’s imbalanced ways as though there’s nothing in it for the woman—of course there is.

Clearly, as revealed by his phone fixation, the guy is an “avoider.” Which is important to see for the reflected implication for the woman.

So:
  1. What is the woman avoiding?
  2. To what is the woman addicted?
Recall, the woman was not talking to the man but instead shouting her predicament at her neighbor. Which is to say that she is also an avoider, avoiding talking truth face-to-face with the man. Seeing it in this light, they’re not so much different, are they?

When we’re willing to face our shit, we face it at its source—within—and, if necessary, at its immediate external reflection—in the woman’s case, with the man himself. We wouldn’t rant to our neighbor about it, placing all sorts of blame and pretending we’re helpless victims in dire need of an external savior.

As for what the woman is addicted to—think about it for a minute… She was making herself a victim. Indeed, she was actively trying to prove that she is a victim. Which isn’t some freak thing that people occasionally do. It’s a behavior consistent with a thoroughly-embedded internal program. Meaning: The woman has done this or similar very many times before. Meaning: The woman is addicted to her pain because her pain allows her to “prove” that she is, in “fact,” a helpless victim in need of a savior as defined by her beliefs and fears.

The Parental Connection

One other critical piece of awareness we need to see here, one that is, at least in my own experience, vital to successfully understanding self and other, is recognizing the parent-child connection to suffering.

Since the nature of physical life is “learning through reflection,” until healing takes place, we are all unconsciously attracted to others who reflect our inner distortions—these distortions coming primarily from our parents.

In the overarching example, some parental reflections may be observed as follows:

As a child, the woman likely had a father who was also an avoider. He didn’t face his problems head on—i.e.: rather than working troubles out with his wife/her mother—he hid in drinking, his work, or any other thing. He played aloof in order to draw attention to himself in attempt to “prove” to himself that he is worthy of that attention. Similarly, the woman’s mother would have offered the puzzle-piece reflection of the woman’s father.

Knowing no different as a child, the woman had perceived all these distortions as “what ‘unconditional love’ is.” This subconscious accumulation of false beliefs and fears are now what she unwittingly attracts to herself and is attracted to. No matter the pain, no matter the suffering.

You As You

If you find yourself in any similar situation(s), you would do well to ask yourself: What do I really want? What do I really need? What lesson(s) is my soul guiding me toward by means of this unpleasant experience?

Answering shallowly out of the habits and warped perception of broken programming, you may jump to statements of blame and condemnation. I just want my husband to respect me. I wish my wife would stop treating me like a baby. I wish my friend would take the hint that I’m uncomfortable with his behaviors. I wish my son would listen to me.

But what you must do here is take responsibility for your own internal garbage. Because what you truly want has nothing to do with blame or condemnation. What you truly want doesn’t even have anything to do directly with the person you’re pointing a finger at.

What you truly want is love, approval, validation, respect, and so forth—from yourself, to yourself.

Meaning: You need to face you’re crap. You are your own savior. You are the giver and the receiver of whatever it is you truly want and need.

If someone else could save you, they’d have done it by now. But they can't, and therefore won't. You have to save yourself.

It's why others are here as others, and why you are here as you.

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