Wednesday, April 19, 2017

“F-U-C-K” (Have To Keep It Clean for the Kids, You Know?)

by John Boodhansingh of Zero Mindfulness


Does that qualify as a catchy opener on a self-help/spirituality blog?

I suspect my SEO ranking just went up…

Why the Fuck?

The reason I’ve begun this way is to trigger a reaction in you. Some may think little of it, but I’m sure there are many who are taken aback.

If you’re of the latter, perhaps you gasped or feel offended. Perhaps you contorted your face to an unusual position and made an instantaneous judgment that I am the one who is in error or there must be something wrong with me. Perhaps you fall into all of these groups (and more).

If you’ve made a judgment about me, you might as well drop it. Aside from being the writer, a messenger, I have no relation to your unsettled state. Your proverbial beef is solely between the word beginning with an “f” and ending with an “uck” and your beliefs about it. In other words, you’re distaste is not for me or my writing but for your conditioning.

Would I be correct in assuming you wouldn’t have felt quite so disturbed if I’d opened with the word, shit, instead? Or, desk lamp. Or maybe the phrase, Life is beautiful. No, you wouldn’t have, and only for the reason that you haven’t been programmed to see those things as “the worst.”

Let me explain further:

Asking the Critical Questions

If you took some time (and it doesn’t always have to be a lot) to question yourself as to why a so-called “bad word” is, apparently, a “bad word,” you would find that whatever possible reasoning you could come up with is related to a belief, a fear, or a combination thereof.

If you don’t have self-help experience, you may not be able to take it much further than this seeing. No matter, the mere seeing that your discomfort is based in belief or fear—and not truth/reality—is a huge start.

So, for example, you might consider where you’d first learned that such words are “bad.”

It was impressed upon me by my mother and father. Every time I said a “lesser” curse word like shit or damn, they made me put 50 cents in a jar. If I said fuck, they slapped me.

Ah. Yes. So it’s not like you’d popped out of the womb already knowing what is, supposedly, right and wrong. Rather, as a child naively believing some such things as, “Mother and father know best,” you had taken as truth their beliefs that certain words are “wrong” or “bad.” To make matters worse, a fear was instilled in you that you deserved to be punished for using taboo language. As to protect yourself and to receive parental approval, you became very cautious, “locking up” your true, open manner of speaking.

As all kids do in this hide-everything-that-hurts culture, we grow into adults carrying all of our childhood baggage with us. We thus get old without ever really growing up. Even when we’re 96 years old, our beliefs, fears, and resultant behaviors remain unchanged. Our parents have been dead for 25 years, we’ve got a foot half in the grave, and yet we’re still acting out conditioning meant to get parental validation that we’d learned at 7 years old.

You might then go deeper: If this behavior is based on false beliefs and fears that I’d learned and accepted unwittingly from my parents, wouldn’t the same also be true of my parents and my parents’ parents? Wasn’t I simply being taught not what is necessarily right, but what my parents believed to be right or feared being punished for themselves? That their behavior and treatment of their children was in a manner perceived to be “right” and “just” and “worthy of approval”?

I want you to chew on this. Take a word you perceive to be “bad” and question as to why you believe it so. What are the beliefs and fears? And be sure to examine this from multiple perspectives, not just parent-to-child. Surely, some religions will play right into the false-appearing-true lies, as will the “political correctness” robots.

Take it all back, and back further, to the point where whatever answers you arrive at are not interfered with by past hurts, concepts, dogma, etc. from “out there,” but wholly from within.

What, If Anything, Makes a “Bad” Word “Bad”

Let’s first clarify our wording, because there’s no such thing as a “bad” word. What there are are neutral words and the positive or negative energy—based on intention and emotion—behind them that could be said to make them “good” or “bad.”

Like I say in my blog post, Humanity: Superheroes, Supervillains, and the Case for Superpowers, it’s not about the what that is used but how the what is used that places it in a positive or negative light. If a person could see through walls, they could use this power to ogle at their neighbors while they showered, or they could use it to help the police locate people in a building during a hostage situation. By the same token, one could use an everyday power such as speaking to complain endlessly, or to verbally share life’s joys with those he or she meets.

If one speaks the word fuck, how is it being used? Within the context of a statement of hatred? In a (non-cruel) joke? Simply as another word in the English lexicon? To wake people up (as I’m doing here)?

We must be very careful not to make anything in life an absolute. For not only are there no absolutes in life, but the beliefs and fears that drive them can and do majorly distort our perception of the true nature of life.

If, in the case of this writing, it’s truly not your thing to ever drop the F-bomb, that’s totally fine. But first stop judging those who tweak you out when they use it, and figure out what the real cause of your repulsion is.

Earmuffs, Kids.

A few words to parents:

Your children are vastly more adept than you give them credit for, so you can stop your “F-U-C-K”-ing and your “It smells like S-H-I-T in here”-ing. You’re only fooling yourselves.

Even though they don’t know it themselves, they are master readers of your energy, your behavior, and your everything else. Children “are” their parents but with a different personality. If it’s in the consciousness of one or both parents, it’s in any children to varying extents.

When your 6-year-old son comes home from school laying down the F-word like it’s cool, then take the hint—it must be cool.

But, really, if that happens, check yourself, first. No, he may not understand the implications, but he’s behaving in a way similarly resonant with you, either consciously or subconsciously. Which means that even if you and your spouse don’t “F-U-C-K” around the house like the kid is braindead but reserve it for the workplace and parties, the kid still knows.

From a subconscious or “hidden” perspective, no, you may not have used foul language since college. However, if it’s due to repression for parental approval, if you wish you could vent in anger at people who annoy you, and so on, your kid still senses the tension, your kid will still adopt the energy and mimic it in some fashion. After all, “Mother and father know best.”

Always remember that kids are a mirror of their parents. Just as it’s foolish to blame a mirror because we perceive ourselves as unattractive, so is it foolish to blame your kids for acting out the very programming they attained from you.

But It’s Okay to Say Fuck In a Joke

Really…!? Really…!?

You’re guilty.

I wanted to address this, but I’m not even sure what to say about it. It’s just that ridiculous; that hypocritical.

Closing Words

Self-inquire. Whenever there’s discomfort caused by “out there,” whenever you find yourself reverting to blame, take a breath, step back, and self-inquire. If you must, self-inquire deeply, especially in the cases where you’re about to crack your kid for saying shit when you’d just “S-H-I-T”-ed in front of him or her in the hour before. Hypocrisy serves no one.

Also, I’m not suggesting anyone ignore healthy discretion and common decency. For instance, I don’t support silly ideas such as: Well, if I’m not saying fuck in anger or condemnation then I can use it whenever I please, and then go blab it out willy-nilly in an ashram.

Be yourself, but be flexible. You may not be here for the approval of anyone else, but a mindfulness of the people you’re with and the place you’re located is appropriate.

Be yourself, but have respect.

Or, as Aretha Franklin might say: "Have some R-E-S-P-E-C-T!"