Friday, May 5, 2017

"Tying the Knot" ...Oh, It's a Knot Alright.

by John Boodhansingh of Zero Mindfulness



I don’t agree with most marriages.

Yes, I know. When someone is full of joy and they tell you they’re getting married or have been married for ninety-and-a-half years or whatever, you’re supposed to smile and be agreeable and all that happy horseshit.

Well, I refuse to play that role in most cases because it’s not true to me.

Here's why...

Love Is Blind (But Not for the Reasons You Think)

To first say, this has nothing to do with either partner as individuals themselves. They may seem the kindest people in the world, or they could be serial-killing crack dealers. In either case, my base feelings don't change.

Beyond all, this has to do with Love.

In most relationships—and this can be foreseen long before any wedding ceremony—so-called “love” is blind. Which isn’t commentary on the infatuation kind of blindness. (Though this will explain why infatuation, passion, etc. die out soon after most honeymoons.)

Love is blind because partners rarely want to get down to the nitty-gritty and truly work out their individual and paired struggles. They'd rather (unconsciously) blame and complain and victimize and be manly or needy and all sorts of other crap. They don’t want to talk to each other about what they’re really, truly feeling.

And why would they? How could they? With rare exception do people make themselves vulnerable with themselves, so how could they ever bring themselves to be vulnerable with another?

Adding insult to injury, this “love”… Are you ready for this? …This love often has little to do with loving one’s partner. In most marriages, the “love” a man has for a woman (or whatever the pairing) is the “love” he has for his parents.

What cho talkin’ ‘bout, Willis!?

Love in the Mirror

When you were a kid, your parents seemed to you as if Mother and Father God. You sought Unconditional Love, and you believed they had it. This caused you to accept, in your ignorant innocence, that whatever they said and did must be “what Love is.”

Sure, nowadays, you may look back and see that much if not all of what they’d done has nothing to do with Unconditional Love. But that’s beside the point, because the programming running your life right now, consciously and (vastly more) subconsciously, is still the exact programming imprinted in you through them all those many years ago.

When most folks find a partner, the majority of qualities he or she is attracted to about that person are actually “dust particles on a mirror,” so to speak. The man (or woman), rather than first seeking within, looks out into the external world—the “mirror”—for Unconditional Love. In the depths of his soul he knows what this Unconditional Love is and that it cannot be found in the realm of duality. However, he carries far too many false ideas—the “dust particles”—as to what this Love is to be able to attract to himself a woman who clearly exudes Unconditional Love from within herself. All he has to go on is the “love” he’d learned from mom and pop. Like a magnet, he thus attracts a woman who reflects him, who in some fashion matches his distortions. He will do this in relationship after relationship to whatever extent any parent-learned “dust particles” remain on the “mirror.”

What are these “dust particles”? They could be anything.
  • Maybe it means sex every Tuesday evening without fail.
  • Maybe it means having two kids, no more, no less.
  • Maybe it means going to church every Sunday with the significant other even though one abhors it.
  • Maybe it means one spouse beats the other.
  • Maybe it means the man is never wrong and the wife is too weak to stand up.
  • Maybe it means each partner reflects the other’s lack mentality.
  • Maybe it means believing that women are attracted to men who behave like nincompoops.
  • Maybe it means the marriage must stay together and the partners must continually put on the “forever happy” facade to the outside world even when the marriage brings nothing but misery.
The possibilities are endless.

If anything could be said to define these items in the most loosely specific way, it would boil down to these two questions:
  1. Is this in integrity with me?
  2. Am I causing harm, to self or other?
In example of the first question, suppose you’re a registered Democrat and believe that it aligns best with “who I am.” You may find it worth your while to question your “who I am” beliefs because beliefs create perception of truth, not truth itself. If you find your beliefs to be garbage, then you may no longer have any interest in the Democratic Party.

Consequently, you’d open yourself not only to real, self-truth, whatever that may be, but in line with question two, you would, say, realize that you’re not always right, and you'd cease belittling your partner for being a Republican. None of which have anything whatsoever to do with True Love but were accepted by you as such after seeing the very same “loving” battle played out by your mother and father.

Another Chunk of Garbage: Unknown Purpose

Another wonder is: How many people who are married have ever asked internally, deeply, why they want marriage? If I we’re a betting man, I’d be willing to bet that the majority of people never think thoroughly, if at all, about some of their deepest motivations.
  • Because it’s what religion says to do?
  • Because it’s familial/cultural/societal expectation?
  • Because I’m insecure with both my looks and my chances of finding a better date, so I better marry this smokin’ hot mamma while I’ve got a chance?
  • Because it works out better for tax purposes?
  • Because it’s just the right thing to do?
  • Because I’ve built years of my life around this person—my whole identity is based around us—and I’ll hold on at all costs?
  • Because that’s what’s going to bring the most approval?
  • Because in not marrying I can't handle the thought of my partner possibly leaving me?
  • Because I’ll be consumed for eternity in raging hellfire if I so much as lay next to the one I claim to love while unmarried?
  • Because “love” means having a huge wedding and going into debt for 15 years?
  • Because it’s my responsibility to love for a lifetime the partner my mother and father arranged for me?
  • Because children are desired and God forbid two partners have children outside of marriage even if they’d turn out to be the most amazing parents in all of creation?
  • Because, even though I’m wildly immature, fresh out of college, and don’t know shit for shat, I’m madly in love with this girl I'd met at a drunken frat party one night and see us being together forever?
Again, take your pick out of the multitude of possibilities. Marriage, like so many other hugely life-altering decisions we make in life, is typically stepped into and trod through in a blind, non-integral, and even harmful manner.

People would be wise to reevaluate their intentions, their purposes.

Final Thoughts

I’m not particularly keen on marriage itself, though I don’t lose sleep over the fact that it exists. And I would give my approval to any marriage that came to me intuitively as Truly Loving... Not that anyone who believes they're ready for marriage should necessarily give a shit about my (or anyone else's) approval or disapproval. You're only getting my opinion because you've asked for it by coming here.

What I would lose sleep over, assuming that I lose sleep over these kinds of things—I don’t—is when people marry not so much for love of partner as they firmly believe, but for love of their parents. Add to this the abundance of unquestioned false ideas surrounding marriage and the usual absence of vulnerability and a willingness to adequately resolve imbalances. All of which is then passed on to any children, if only inadvertently.

To be clear: I don’t mean to suggest in all this that in many of these relationships there is no love whatsoever. In certain aspects of most relationships I’d say there certainly is. It’s just that whatever is perceived to be love—i.e.: the main driving factors of attraction—is more often a mental-emotional distortion posing as love.

And finally... As far as I’m concerned, have any relationship you want, with any one you want, as long as it seems appropriate to you in any given moment. Only realize that an essential purpose of any relationship in this earthly experience of separation consciousness is as a means of noticing where the proverbial mirror needs dusting—and then acting accordingly in order to realize our own inherent wholeness.

See the dust, clean the mirror. Non-metaphorically, see the inner imbalances projected in the outer, learn the lessons. Marriage not required.

Then, anew, consider your draw toward the person you think you want to marry and be with forever and ever and ever.

Does he or she now raise the hair on the back of your neck? Or does he or she light your heart on fire?

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Follow this link to: “Tying the Knot” – Part 2: Indifference and Conscious Evolution

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