Monday, July 24, 2017

Childhood Trauma: “Catholic Guilt”

by John Boodhansingh of Zero Mindfulness

…the disciples came to Jesus, asking, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” And Jesus called a little child to him, and set the child in the midst of them. He said, “Verily I say unto you, unless you are converted and become as little children, you shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name also receives me. But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.”
--Matthew 18:1-6

While attending a Mass sometime before I'd left Roman Catholicism in profound distaste, a woman had walked up to the pulpit with something to share.

This woman had a bright smile on her face and pep in her voice. She announced to everyone how amazingly happy she was to have converted to Catholicism. The gist of her words was like so many others religious converts: her life sucked, her and religion connected, and suddenly life was bliss.

WTF!? I’d thought, disgustedly. How blind are you? You just voluntarily signed up for life-term imprisonment.

The Deciding Factor

I was just reminded of this incident the other day. My first thought was that it seems like another story of the proverbial grass being greener on the other side. There’s fear and desperation or some such things and, for better or for worse, along comes - - ! ! The Grand Solution ! ! - - and the person is immediately swept away.

Did it truly end up being “greener” for this woman? I don’t know. Perhaps her life circumstance really was one where the timing and energies were ripe for positive change and Catholicism has, in fact, offered her a path to continuous, deep satisfaction.

But I still know my feelings about the Church, and I know well the hell my life has been as caused by the Church, directly or indirectly. Plus, I’m well aware that, hard as they may try to avoid or deny it, the vast majority of Catholics carry many of the same distortions I had in the past or still do.

Assuming the woman truly found “home,” What makes this woman’s case so different than the cases of myself and multitudes of others? It seems to me this question must have created and stirred itself around within my subconscious for without consciously asking I received a conscious answer:

Childhood trauma: guilt, shame, and fear indoctrination.

You see… Regardless of what this woman may have learned in adult catechism classes and such, she’d already had 30 or so years of non-Catholic-conditioned life under her belt.

For any of us who have grown up Catholic, our story is usually very different. We feel guilty about everything. Let me tell you a little bit about it...

A Bastard from Birth

Although what I am going to speak of here is based on personal experience and perspective, as you will see through a few anecdotes, my experience is hardly a freak thing. Due to my highly sensitive nature, I feel that the various methods of conditioning had hit me very hard. Still, it’s irrefutable that a great many other Catholics have had some intensely heavy crap forced on them as well. Supremely unpleasant though it may be for many to admit, guilt, shame, and fear-induction is the culture.

Let’s begin with a rehash of a very short post I’d made some time ago. Aside from a few belief-creates-reality words, I’d included the following images of a bi-fold card I’d come across:

Folks, I was born on November 5th. Yet in a manner of speaking, I was apparently a spiritual orphan until December 2nd. And that’s how it goes with the Church. Once a child is born, the push is on because, innocent though they may seem, it’s believed that children are going to go straight to hell if they die before they’re baptized due to “original sin”… Which, one, means all unbaptized kids ever are hell-bound, and, two, is both strange and woefully disheartening because even for those who’re baptized (i.e.: all Catholics), most all of them still carry a sense of guilt and unworthiness straight to the grave.

In another instance, 99% of the people in my childhood environment were Catholic. I’m not going to name names or place blame or any such thing, but I will say this: When I was a kid, there was no slouching around where religion was concerned. The ways of the Church we’re heavily ingrained—when I didn’t follow them, directly or indirectly, I was punished. And when I did or thought about doing, well, just about anything, I feared being punished, judged, shamed, going to hell, and so forth.

By 2nd grade, we were put through the paces of the Sacrament of Reconciliation. “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned…” We were about 8 years old, and already we were being cripplingly indoctrinated with the shame- and guilt-laden beliefs that we’re more worthy of being punished by God because we’re sinners than being worthy of God’s unconditional love, forgiveness, and acceptance simply by existing through His Grace.

Let’s now step into my 8th grade religion class. During our preparation for the Sacrament of Confirmation, we had to remember and recite a number of things. My teacher, a former nun and a supremely unhappy person, would pick on random people to do the recitations. Upon making mistakes, one phrase she would regularly shriek at us was: “You are not even Confirmation candidates!” In the prior year, she’d told the "Confirmation candidates" that they were going to hell.

(And what I say here doesn’t touch on the things I’ve heard from older generations regarding how their parents and teachers had more strong-handedly, perhaps violently, treated them.)

Being conditioned from birth, steeped in Catholic family and friends, spending 12 years in Catholic education, and then some, it is clear to me how bliss-woman could find such joy in Catholicism—she hadn’t spent her childhood in hell.

Examples of Trauma Manifested

Let’s first revisit an above instance. I’d said: “…when I did or thought about doing, well, just about anything, I feared being punished, judged, shamed, going to hell, and so forth.” As I heal, I’m both dumbfounded and saddened but the intensity of negative thoughts that come up in me. There’s forever a voice saying things like: Someone is going to see you. They’re going to laugh at you and judge you for this. You’re going to look like a girly faggot if you do that. Outrageously asinine and self-denying as these are, they’re the same types of thoughts that had complete control over me for the better portion of my life. In constant fear and self-rejection, I’d effectively become who I’d thought everyone else wanted me to be rather than being myself.

In regard to attaining personal desires, we often avoid “getting more” and “moving up” due to a feeling that to do so we have to be sinning in some way, we’re not worthy, God is going to judge and punish us, and we’re necessarily going to step on people in the process. We’re wildly afraid to be happy while others are still suffering as if our personal suffering somehow eases the suffering of others.

In regard to money, we’re conditioned into poverty; we’re taught that we’re unworthy of financial and material riches—they’re evil, and if we have them then we’re evil. Guilt, guilt, guilt. Which is “funny” in a very distorted kind of way because many of us, as a means of coping with the inner discomfort, will then either spend gobs of money on trivial “stuff” in order to get the “high” that comes with spending money, or we’ll blow our cash, not on things to bring personal satisfaction because “that would be selfish,” but on alcohol, gambling, junk food, etc. In all cases, we’re still forever crying lack, regardless of how much money and goods we have, and we’re far less able to afford or apt to buy the quality things that would provide us long-term, positive gains. Add to this that, in believing we don’t deserve to have, we often become unconsciously trapped in the “there’s always another bill to pay” scenario.

(Ironic, is it not? Catholics are forever crying poverty because that’s the Church-taught belief and that’s therefore the personal perception, yet all the while the Church remains the richest entity on the planet…)

Where giving and receiving is concerned, what we give is never enough, and when we receive we feel like we must give back and give back and give back more. Even with what is labeled, Take me. I’m free, guilt and unworthiness come a-knockin’:

  • "I will take it because if not it will go to waste-then I'm responsible."
  • "I will take the used because I don't deserve the new."
  • "I will take it because I'm afraid of disappointing someone by saying no."
  • "I won’t take it because I don't deserve to be handed anything freely."
  • "I won't take it because someone else may need it more than me."
  • "I won't take it because I'd be criticized for being a cheapskate."

Do you get the idea? This only scratches the surface. The number of ways this religious trauma expresses itself is uncountable. And perhaps impossible will it be to understand “Catholic Guilt” for those who aren’t cradle-raised Catholics. But I’m pretty sure, if super begrudgingly, there are hundreds of thousands of people who on some level know exactly what I’m talking about.

Self-Inflicted Trauma

I want to briefly share a personal story with you. I may have mentioned it before, I’m unsure. If so, this is the perfect time and place to mention it again.

At a point in my life when still thoroughly embedded in the Catholic matrix, there was something I’d done periodically that I’d felt absolutely terrible about. So much of my conditioning screamed that doing this thing basically put me one the fast-track to hell. Yet, due to all my other mental-emotional distortions, I struggled fiercely to not do it but did it all the while, anyway.

One day, I was so angry at myself for having done it that I vehemently asked God to punish me; to hurt me in some physical way. I hated myself and believed so dearly that I was a horrible human being. Within hours, I was trying to undo a rusty bolt on an old air conditioner. It wouldn’t budge so I pushed the ratchet with extra force. The ratchet ended up sliding off the bolt, and I slammed my hand into the innards of the air conditioner. In a numb hurt, I looked at my hand to see blood and a flap of skin hanging off the side of my thumb.

Ask, and you shall receive. Knock, and the door shall be opened unto you.

This is “Catholic Guilt.”

Years later, I’ve come to see that there’s nothing inherently wrong with what I was doing.

Processing Out…

Normally I have something to offer solution-wise. I can’t give that to you here. For one, I’m still working out the trauma, myself. But two, and probably the most importantly, “Catholic Guilt” programming is implanted incredibly deeply and is fantastically complex.

As much as I wish it weren’t so, its removal will likely take someone years, if not decades, of determined effort to overcome. The shackles of religiously-induced guilt, shame, and fear lock down every aspect of life, and they are enormously difficult to break free from.

If I’ve given you (i.e.: Catholics) nothing else, I’ve sparked your awareness. You may not realize it yet, and some of you may even loath me for it because you cannot unsee, but awareness of what was formerly unconscious, what is plaguing your every turn in life, is a really. big. deal.

Take advantage of this new awareness, lest this evil continue taking advantage of you.

Friday, July 21, 2017

Childhood Trauma: Invisibility

by John Boodhansingh of Zero Mindfulness

Sadly, children are often “invisible” to adults.

Children are regularly devalued for not thinking or behaving like "mature grown-ups" and often punished for the same. They’re routinely whipping boys (literally and/or figuratively) for their parent's unintegrated emotional discord.

"My way or the highway," say mother and father.

If the children express disagreement, they are judged and maybe punished—something for which they will carry guilt, shame, and worthlessness about likely through the whole of their lives. Should the children agree with their parents instead in order to avoid punishment, the cost is regret and self-abandonment.

Since children, like most adults, believe that their external experience defines reality—is reality—children come to perceive life as an experience of interminable despair (helplessness and hopelessness).

Related beliefs are thus created, such as:
  • "Who cares about me?"
  • "My opinion doesn't matter."
  • "I'll be punished if I speak up."
  • "I don't deserve to get what I want."
  • "I'm unimportant."
  • "Damned if I do; damned if I don't."

Essentially, these children come to see themselves as “invisible.”

If I were really here, if I were of any real value, I would be treated as a human being, as an equal. I would be acknowledged for my presence. I would be accepted for my differences in opinion and personality rather than being rejected. I would be respected for that which makes me “me” rather than being scorned.

Because beliefs dictate perceptual “reality,” invisibility becomes an underlying energetic theme in the life of the children. Meaning, “I’m invisible” is believed as “true,” so situations reflecting the programming are commonly attracted into the child’s life: They’re chosen last on a team when playing sports, they’re ignored in school or seen only enough to be picked on, they continue being demoralized at home as though little more than vents for mother and father, their primary “friends” are critical or abusive, and so on.

Generally, their life contributions tend to be nil as all their self-esteem and zest for life have been shot to hell. They thus pass opportunity by either in blindness or apathy.

And let’s not forget how plenty of other “mature grown-ups” play their part in supporting the apparent invisibility...

[I apologize if my deft artistic skill has left you overwhelmed.]

Time and again, children are reminded how apparently incapable they are of being worthy of having life; of how their voice, their personality, their joys and sorrows are not worth being heard.

To Whom It May Concern:

Being “invisible” hurts terribly.

If you’re one such as the “long unseen friend” above, please do your best to see children as equals.

In saying this, yes, if you're going to ask a child's parents questions about him or her when he or she is standing right there looking at you like, "Why the F don't you just ask me?" then do just that. But otherwise, you could simply smile, wave, or say, "Hey, kid." Just something to let them know that others honor the fact that they exist. If you make an attempt and they shut down to you, so be it. But at least you’d made an attempt. If such is not comfortable to you, please do the inner work to find out why.

If you are a parent who fits the description provided (even if to a small degree…be honest!), please stop taking out your own hurt on your children. It is not their fault. It’s yours. Face it.

Each child is born an individual to be an individual. They are not here to validate you.

Perhaps you could even thank them:
Thank you, son/daughter, for revealing to me the unaddressed [anger, frustration, resentment, ignorance, etc.] I carry within but hadn’t been aware of until you’d driven it to the surface. I see that it’s mine, not yours. I see that, although there’s nothing inherently wrong with what’s happened, what I want to reject you for is the same as what my discontent mother and father had rejected me for when I was your age.

Being locked down now, myself, what really tweaks me is your ability to be free. To me, freedom is fear—fear of punishment, of rejection, of abandonment. Plus, your reluctance to listen to and obey me makes
me feel invisible—my hostility toward you is my “grown-up” way of being seen.

I must remind myself, I was once a child just like you. Free… yet fragile, ignorant, impressionable, and quick to hurt. I know what it’s like to reach out for the love of a parent only to be ignored, judged, or slapped.

I now acknowledge that in seeing the problem I can begin to heal it. It need not be passed on to you. I now acknowledge that hurting you in any way will not get me what I want, which is a lessening my own hurt. Indeed, it will make it worse, for as I harm you I harm myself.

When I first began my spiritual awakening process during the summer of 2009, one of the first books I’d come across was The Presence Process by Michael Brown. I recommend this book to anyone, whether they consider themselves to be awakening, are interested in emotional healing, or are simply looking for clarity about themselves and life. (Note that you need not do the process; such is best but reading alone can have a major positive impact.)

There’s one particular line from the book that I’d immediately realized as true yet hit me like a slap in the face, nonetheless. In fact, I’ve read the book multiple times and the line is one of the only things I remember clearly. Michael says:

“Adults are dead children.”

Contemplate that for a little while. See in your mind and experientially how free, joyful, energetic, and fearless children are in their earliest years of life.

Now consider what you’d experienced as you we’re growing up. Consider the hurt you experience yourself and put others through, past, present, and probable future. See how this applies in all aspects of life.

At home, maybe you’re a parent and you've shrieked at your kid when she’d come into the house from the backyard carrying a worm in her dirty hands. “Look what I have,” she says so innocently and with a big, bright smile on her face. To which you reply, “Oh, God, that’s disgusting! Get that out of my house! You’re going to get everything dirty! Ick, you’ll make me puke!” …Sound like something your mom would say, or like something the TV programmed you to say? It’s probably not even original to you.

Regarding certain religions, look at the horrendous guilt and shame that children are indoctrinated with. “You’re a sinner from birth,” they’ve driven into so many of us. Unfathomably worse is it for those who're born into groups in which violent sexual trauma is "standard procedure." These types of issues make getting anywhere in life intensely difficult. Being truly happy, fearless, and so forth—what a joke! We could do everything in the most upstanding fashion, yet the guilt-sense would still nag at us as though, “I must be doing something wrong. I don't know what it is, but I'm going to be found out and people are going to hate me for it.”

Or the school system, ceaselessly separating “the wheat” from “the chaff”—in academics, in sports, as based on popularity and looks—all on wildly false yet accepted-as-true principles.

These psycho-emotionally wrecked children are the very same children to become the adults of the world. Just like your parents and their parents and so on back. Just, very possibly, like you and your kids. Physically grown, but dead inside. The truth of you invisible, nowhere to be seen.

Until we’re truly willing to see and heal what we’ve hidden.

Then children will be safe.

Children, collectively, yes. But so, too, the child within each of us.


Please click the link for "Childhood Trauma – Invisibility – Part 2"

Monday, July 17, 2017

Childhood Trauma: Name-Calling

by John Boodhansingh of Zero Mindfulness

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.

Whoever uses this line of BS either spent their childhood free from psycho-emotional torment—in which case they have no room whatsoever to legitimately tell others that name-calling doesn’t hurt—or they’re trying to avoid their own inner rot of childhood by sugarcoating it—in which case they still don’t have any room whatsoever to legitimately tell others that name-calling doesn’t hurt.

A Little of My Own Experience

Let me tell you a little bit about my childhood through early adult years.

When I was young, I had no sense whatsoever that the critical, degrading words others spoke toward me were false. I believed every word was true and experienced intense emotional hurt in consequence. In every case I became angry, and in many of them, violent. Punching and kicking others was my go-to method of coping with the pain.

Many times, however, those who’d laid into me were stronger or faster and so violence was ineffective. (Yelling at someone that they’re a “penis” or a “butthole” had also happened, but, well, live your life under a shroud of worthlessness and despair and then try telling a “superior” enemy as much—it’s supremely unfulfilling.) I’d end up either chasing after my offender until exhausted and in tears and then stuff all the hurt inside—often while the offender would continue slandering me from a distance—or I would just stuff down my hurt immediately for fear’s sake.

Whatever the case, the inner hurt I’d experienced from words alone was inexplicably agonizing.

As the years passed on, the violence subsided. With the exception of my usage of useless verbal rebuttals, I’d come to feel too utterly worthless, despairing, and fear-ridden to do anything to help myself. Repression was automatic, and along with other traumas, I’d lost my ability to cry.

To make matters worse, in the instances where some authority figure got involved, their logic went something like this: He said [such-and-such] about John. He shouldn’t be doing that, but, man, John’s really got a problem going into a hot rage and wanting to beat the crap out of him.

More or less, this is the way it worked. Someone would attack me verbally, and I would react in a very physical way. And so, in a general way of putting it, due to the mentality that “names will never hurt me,” only “sticks and stones,” most if not all of the authoritative hellfire would rain down on me.

Hello, Trauma. Come on in… Oh, I see you’ve packed your bags for an extended stay… Oh, my… It’s winter time yet I don’t even need to turn on the heat—you bring so much with you…

It Must Not Hurt Because There’s No Visible Scarring

The hellfire would rain down primarily on me because people are generally only willing to acknowledge two things:
  1. What makes them feel good.
  2. What cannot be ignored.
Easy it is to let slide the behavior of the person who destroys with words. Where’s the damage? If you want me to believe you, you’re going to have to show me the injury. But people just don’t do the same with physical roughness. Which is to say, at least from my own experience, that people tend to get away far too easily with causing psycho-emotional trauma while the physical ones take the brunt of the blame and punishment.

If someone had said to me, “Blame the worthless failure, John, the loser who can’t do anything right,” even if such talk had put me in tears, it’s hit or miss as to whether or not authority (whoever that may have been) would have done much where the offender was concerned. But to me, on having my anger trigger pressed and taking a reactive swing, you can bet I’d be punished in some way. If tears arose, maybe I’d be told to stop crying because they’re just words.

Even more ironic is the experience of reacting violently only to be, say, “physically handled” for “physically handling” someone else. Fighting fire with fire, as they say; “teaching” non-violence through violence.

In Dire Need of Healing

Our culture carries some blind man’s myth whereby physical hurt needs to be punished, often with physical hurt, or “an eye for an eye,” while psycho-emotional hurt, well, it can’t be seen directly so it mustn’t be too big of an issue. I mean, yeah, to the average person inner turmoil can sometimes be seen clearly through tears, but as we know only babies, girls, and pussies cry…

Like all the other issues (and then some) I've been mentioning in this “Childhood Trauma” series, this stuff desperately needs to come to light for healing. For far too long we’ve been making up all sorts of stupid rationalizations—resultant of unaddressed fears and false beliefs—which serve only to sidestep trauma while simultaneously deepening it.

Folks, here’s something I’ve learned from a profoundly hellish and painful life experience:

Sticks and stones may break my bones, and names may traumatize me into self-destruction.

We need to stop looking only at the outward signs, of offender or victim, and focus much more directly on the issues driving the behaviors.

As for the offenders, yes, abusive behavior has to be somehow prevented in the interim to healing, but just that: prevented in the interim to healing. Just like when a man beats his wife or smokes 4 packs per day, healing can’t be done by talking about it, ignoring it, or slapping one for slapping another. Such are temporary measures at best, always ineffective, and usually stack trauma on top of trauma.

Putting an offender in a concrete block with bars on one wall (literally or metaphorically) is simply putting an offender in a concrete block with bars on one wall. There is no internal cleansing and healing involved—something which needs to be top priority.

We cannot continue fighting fire with fire. It doesn’t work. It’s never worked. Perhaps it only appears to work because people have thoroughly bought into ideas such as, “My way or the highway,” and, “If [this much] doesn’t work, then surely more will be better.” Plus, people are big fans of repressing all things uncomfortable and then blaming and attacking others who mirror those very things. There is thus no “win” to be found but a tragic loss of humanity.

What absolutely has to be faced is the psycho-emotional trauma. Meaning:

What is the internal hurt that is causing the offender to receive such a disgusting yet addictive surge of pleasure when inflicting physical/mental/emotional anguish on others? That drives them to repeatedly push others into such a horrid and broken sense of worthlessness, anger, and despair?

In regard to those being offended, they must be given a loving hand, a compassionate ear. They have trauma that must be resolved. I can tell you from my own personal experience that there may be no greater anguish than being psycho-emotionally rent only to have “authority” come along and say, “It’s not that big of a deal. Just ignore it. There’s nothing to cry about,” or to be punished while the offender is let off the hook because “they’re just words.”

What is the internal hurt being suffered by the one offended which makes him an open door to such torment? That causes him, when the offender says, “You’re a dumbass weakling,” to basically though unwittingly agree, “Yes, a dumbass weakling is what I am, and I hate myself because of it,” and then either try to prove it wrong by punching the offender in the face, or repressing the hurt and becoming utterly numb to the world—or both?

It Carries On

As all this is said, take note that these issues don’t magically fall away with age.

We may find ourselves as 30-, 50-, or 70-year-olds who don’t behave quite like we had in our earlier years. As offenders, we might not blatantly harass family members, friends, classmates, or co-workers as we’d once done, nor as the offended will we necessarily flip promptly into fits of rage.

But unless we’ve done the inner work, the programming very likely hasn’t changed one iota—we’ve just learned to “hide” it in order to be “good, happy adults”—and may well, if relevant situations should arise, resort to much more refined methods of expressing our discomforts.

And if we have kids, they’re going to learn it all. Guaranteed. If we feel worthless and helpless, they’re going to feel worthless and helpless. If we carry a superiority complex, so will they. And then they will go to school or work and play out the very same roles that we had when we were that age.

Until we decide that enough is enough. Until we decide to take responsibility for our inner struggles so that our kids never have to experience the same torment that we had to bear.

Friday, July 7, 2017

Cutting the Crap: A Follow-Up To Clashing Clichés, Catch-Phrases, and Cover-Ups

by John Boodhansingh of Zero Mindfulness

Recently I wrote a post titled: Clashing Clichés, Catch-Phrases, and Cover-Ups. The gist of the writing had to do with many people’s inability to walk their talk.

This hadn’t been meant in the sense of the effort people make to be helpful, kind, etc. but often coming up short—this is understandable behavior since it’s deeply ingrained and not easy to overcome. What had been meant, instead, had to do with the hypocritical usage of fancy phrases to hide, essentially from ourselves, negative aspects of ourselves that we don’t care to face.

Here I elaborate on the “cover-up” portion of the original post (though the concepts can be applied to all of them).


In the original post I’d written the following:
A third and final consideration is what could be described as a flagrant cover-up. No, it’s not so flagrant to those who are upholding the same, but these things are pretty obvious to me, and I suspect they’re probably quite evident to many others.

A super-prevalent example of this is, “I’m doing well.” In the US, we have the sickest and fattest population in the world, the middle class is drastically shrinking, our unemployment rate is through the roof, we’ve got astronomical debt, and on and on.

“How are you, Ken?”

“I’m doing great. Yeah. Really. Can’t complain!”

The majority of the time (at least from my own observation and experience), this is crap. The happiness and such is manufactured. People are generally so unsatisfied. So many people are constantly complaining, judging others, eating abusively, hiding in their phones, and so on, and yet if asked how they’re doing they put on a smile and tell you, “I’m doing well these days,” or, “Can’t complain, you know? Just graduated, I’ve got a good job, [and blah, blah, blah].”

I can’t speak for anyone else, but at least for me, I so often hear people say these things and I get thinking like, Wait just one damn minute… The last 46 times I saw you you were complaining like mad. Now I just heard you bitching for 10 minutes about how lousy your job is, you look like you don’t sleep and eat right, [and blah, blah, blah.] What gives?”

Anyway, take it for what it’s worth. My experience and observation has shown me a great deal of fakery. Maybe that’s not your experience at all, maybe it is, or maybe it doesn’t seem to be yet but you’ll see it so when you clear out any of your own toxic needs for false clichés, catch-phrases, and cover-ups.
Let me now expand on the above thoughts. I intend to provide further clarity and offer suggestion, from personal experience, as to why cover-ups may be far less necessary than we’d think.


The first point I want to make is that if someone isn’t doing so hot, I’m not suggesting they have to get negative in any way when asked how they’re doing.

Automatically, because peoples’ beliefs are often so distorted, it’s very easy to get trapped in the belief that we’re being negative by telling someone, “I’m having a lousy day.” Such rationale is garbage. If someone asks how we’re doing and we state a simple but maybe displeasing-to-other truth of how we’re doing, such is called honesty. If someone isn’t willing to be open to that as a possible answer, they shouldn’t be asking the question. (Also, bear in mind if in the receiver’s shoes that the same mentality will cause us to perceive the other's response as "negative" when in fact we’re blaming them for our own reactive discomfort.)

In order for a response to be negative, we have to be wallowing in it; we have to tell someone we’re feeling lousy and then, feeling bad that we’ve probably upset someone since we’re “supposed” to be happy, attempt to justify our position with a sobby victim story. “Oh, but see. I know I’m supposed to be happy but just look at me. My car is in the shop again, they treat me like crap at work, someone stole my lawn furniture three weeks ago, and now my phone won’t access the internet properly so I’m unable to avoid my life discomforts by looking at cute kitten pictures all day.” (Which is not slander against cute kittens, mind you. They’re adorable little creatures, and I wish I had 400 of them.)

The sob story has to go. All it is is us trying to affirm, affirm, and reaffirm to ourselves, via chatting with another, why it’s “okay” that we don’t take personal responsibility. If we’re not going to do this, we’d be better off not speaking at all… The latter of which, I do acknowledge, will probably not happen—the more we shut down to inner-truth, the harder it is to keep quiet.

Otherwise, I would much rather that if someone’s feeling lousy they at least attempt to be honest about it: “It’s been rough lately,” or, “I’ve been better,”—even just, “I’m okay,” is better. I know fake smiling and saying, “I’m good, yeah, good, good,” can really rack up our approval ratings with a lot of folks, but I can promise you that when people lie to me they’re not scoring any Brownie Points.

They’re going to give themselves away anyway, just as they always do. As being discussed here, this may come through speech littered with catchy, all-is-wonderful phrases. Alternately, and happening so commonly that we see little if any problem with it, there’s complaining, getting intoxicated, eating like gluttons, and so on (and worse in some cases). The walk does not align with the talk. There’s clearly something wrong internally when we have to vampire energy from others and take part in destructive behaviors.

Maybe we fear that someone will promptly ask, “Oh. What’s wrong?” and we won’t want to say. Don’t want to be a Debbie Downer, you know? It’s easier to greet happily at the door and wait to pull out the sob story until everyone’s settled in or someone asks directly how it’s going with the job, wife, dog, chimney, or didgeridoo lessons.

Why not tell them it’s not their business? If that seems too ballsy, then we can figure something else out ahead of time. “I don’t like talking about it,” perhaps. Or, “I’d rather not say.” Even if we’re responding to our great-grandfather, maybe we could make a joke and say what a parent might tell a child as to a touchy subject, “I’ll tell you when you’re a little older.” Still pressed uncomfortably, it could just be life placing us into a position in which we're being "forced" to either open up or grow up. When we get lazy about making choices, life has no problem making the choices for us—and they're rarely comfortable.

Whatever the case, there are other ways. Easier, saner, more honest ways. I wouldn’t be writing this had experience not made it clear.


Personally, I’ve found that when I take the sob story out, and when I direct things toward myself, it’s a lot easier for me to share what’s up. What I mean by this I can describe through an experience (one of many similar):

A few years ago my life got messy. It had already shifted gears from the way my family operates and expects things to operate, but a few years ago I got very sick and things went sort of nuts.

Then at one family gathering, an uncle asked me how things were going. An aunt was also there at the time. I stated my situation in a personal yet objective way at a kind of bare-bones level. I took responsibility—that is, I didn’t blame anyone, and I didn’t say, “Woe is me. My life sucks. See all my problems.” I simply stated what I thought to be honest, appropriate, and balanced in a way they’d understand. Meaning, I stuck to the basics without getting into all the metaphysical things like I’d do on this blog. Asked how things we’re going, I’d spontaneously stated something to the effect of: “Eh. It’s been kinda rough… Weellll, let’s just say I’ve been fighting some inner demons.”

It turned out that the three of us had a solid conversation and one that unexpectedly opened me up to them further than the not-very-open I’d more or less always been.


When we want to bitch about things, there are usually always people around ready and willing to bitch with us. But what I’ve found, at a frequency that surprises me, is that when we cut out the negativity and share our story candidly, we “tell” others that it’s okay to be human, to be flawed, to be imperfect.

And in being okay with not always being okay, we provide them the space to relax their own inner walls a bit. Yes, they will likely put them right back up post-chat, just as we will to some degree. But the mere fact that others ease at all can be a miracle. In being vulnerable, we subconsciously grant others permission to also be vulnerable.

Now, yes, sure, sometimes others are so bent on the negatives that our openness simply provides them fodder. Even those who claim to love us, themselves, humanity, animals, plants, or who- or whatever, can become vicious since our integrity and openness challenges their own false ways.

But for a strikingly large number of people, even those who might otherwise seem to us all too willing to blame or judge or whatever (and may have done so in other situations), they actually do have soft sides—they’re simply waiting for someone to tell them: “It’s okay.”

They’re waiting for you.

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

The Top 2 Reasons Why There's Truth In Conspiracy “Theory”

by John Boodhansingh of Zero Mindfulness

Let’s take a peek into a subject that bends a lot of people out of shape right quick: conspiracy.

And why not? We discuss every other unpleasant aspect of life and inquire as to the inner distortions surrounding them. Why not look into the field of conspiracy as well?

Top 2 Reasons Why There’s Truth In Conspiracy “Theory”

Reason #1:

When accepted as possible and the concepts are integrated into our sense of “how life works ‘out there,’” everything makes sense.

Reason #2:

Many people's obstinate refusal and denial of it. Not a mere looking as “what if” and letting go if truly nonsense, but a willful and forceful rejection of the information and those who provide it.

There is a saying of highly distasteful things that we might “run from them like the plague.” Well, conspiracy is a thing that seems many people would rather have the plague than acknowledge as possible. Internally, things are sensed as plausible but resistance is maintained as not to upset either the internal or external status quos.

Sense In Nonsense

People are constantly asking questions such as:
  • Another terrorist attack? How do they keep getting away with this?
  • I don’t understand. How can the leaders of the United States behave like such assholes and stay in power?
  • How can they get away with gun-trafficking, drug-trading, pedophilia, etc.?
  • How is it that the majority of people want better out of life yet things only ever go backward?

Right alongside the apparently unanswerable questions is cognitive dissonance.

We watch The History Channel, for instance, and we see footage of countless ancient structures, structures that date prior to 13,000 years ago, from at a time when many folks still accept that man had either become “civilized” or only just been kicked, naked, out of Eden. We see deep sea footage and satellite imagery of massive, sunken city structures from a time necessarily pre-dating “civilized man” and requiring a major earth shift in order to end up in such a location. And the statues, the artifacts, the structures themselves—the advanced level of technology that must have been available to cut stone to such precision, to fabricate statues to such symmetry, to transport stone slabs that modern technology can’t nudge.

We’re shown one thing but told another, minimal practical alignment between what we're seeing and what we've been conditioned with as "true." Yet we dare not face the notion that the actual truth is deliberately being hidden.

But if we can openly view conspiracy in its sheer magnitude, even if only as a possibility, we can increasingly connect the dots and formulate a far more accurate picture of life than we’ve been indoctrinated with. At a worldly perspective, suddenly everything makes sense.

There is no simpler way of putting it: The truth makes sense. No matter how we dice it, no matter how it’s applied, we finally attain the appropriate pieces that fit coherently into the same, one puzzle.

I Challenge You Without

If you’re honestly disinterested in conspiracy, I’m okay with that. It’s important to know the truth about things, but I understand and accept that some people just aren’t into it.

However, if you prefer shooting the messengers of alternate ideas—and there are a lot of you!—I challenge you to prove the conspiracy “theorists” wrong.

With facts.

Back up your assertions with facts. Slander, blame, politician and “specialist-on-the-scene” interviews on CNN are not facts. Similarly, unfortunate though it is, mainstream science probably won’t be of value either—the level of hidden agendas and corruption between corporations, academics, funding, lab research, politicians, and so forth is phenomenal.

This reminds me: While I was researching Mehran Keshe’s Magrav free energy device, I came across a professional electrical engineering website with an article attempting to discredit Keshe and his work. Never mind that the guy and his organization have openly shared his scientific papers, drawings, etc. with the public for years now; that at any time people can use the provided data to build and then prove or disprove Keshe’s work. Apparently, slander was easier.

This article also tried to defame Steve Beckow, from the “Golden Age of Gaia”, and some things he had been sharing on the topic of free energy. I was blown away. Steve Beckow is a guy who claims both that the Earth and humanity are ascending to a higher dimension/density and that he channels Archangel Michael. If free energy is such a false and stupid idea, why in the world is a professional engineer, of all types of people, wasting his time trying to defame the work of, if you will, a “metaphysical, New Age schmuck”—to other engineers!?

Because it’s true. That’s why. And he stands to lose his self-image which he perceives to be vitally important, so he must defend it.

Anyway… Delve into the rabbit hole and see what’s inside. If you’re not going to go in, then you have no room to judge or slander or whatever you may do toward others to “prove” to yourselves that you already “know” via information from outside of it.

I can guarantee you that you will, indeed, find truth. Why? Because there are often an abundance of quietly-declassified government documents verifying the very claims of the “theorists.” Because there’s an overwhelming amount of scientific data and military/government insider testimony. Because there are countless hours of audio and video footage that cannot make the truth any more blatant. Because increasing numbers of people are putting dots together in a way that just makes sense, that makes the collective “out there” dramas suddenly so easy to grasp as to the why’s, who’s, and how’s.

By all means, keep your discernment meter on high-guard. But for crying out loud, stop being so damn stubborn.

I Challenge You Within

I also challenge you to start off the first challenge by doing the following:

Rather than going “out there” for answers, first look “in here.”
  • When you hear of conspiracy, what really makes you uncomfortable?
  • When you hear of extra-terrestrials, UFO’s, secret societies running the world, repressed technologies, secret space programs, false flags, and so forth, what really are you trying to push away by denying it?
  • When someone “official” or “accredited” proposes a new scientific theory, you look at it as plausible. But if it’s some alternate science or “uneducated” internet researcher to make such an assertion, they’re just “tinfoil hat dipshits.” What are you running from?
  • As you supposedly thirst for truth, what is so repulsive to you internally that you will shut out that potential truth if it arrives in a way deemed “unfitting.”
  • What hurts you so badly inside that you feel you must put others down, if not destroy them, as not to feel what is taking place within?

  • …your friends won’t approve of you if you deny the mainstream?
  • …you fear defying “authority”?
  • …your parents will judge you?
  • …you feel you’ve wasted you’re life educating yourself in lies?
  • …you’ll have to drop your believed-to-be-true image of “who I am”?
  • …you, in a world of continual advancement and uncertainty, already “know”?

Figure it out. Whatever you’re doing right now isn’t helping anyone, least of all, you.

Closing Words

In writing this post, I’m not looking for anyone to start arguments, I don’t want to listen to people justify their conspiracy-is-BS viewpoints, or any such thing. I’m not here to waste my time with that. If anyone wants to leave negative comments, they will be deleted. Nor am I interested in what people find. I’ve been familiar with this stuff for nearly half my life. Other than details, little is new to me and surprises are rare.

More than anything, I’m calling for the discreditors to prove to themselves why they’re usually mistaken; I’m calling for the discreditors to look within themselves and figure out if conspiracy is truly wrong, or if their rejection of it is actually based in fears and false ideas of “who others expect me to be,” “how things truly are,” and so on.

Right now, a great many people are like dissatisfied religionists going back to the same clergy to ask the same questions and getting the same answers as if somehow their same dissatisfaction will finally end. They’re like the masses of people who every time they get sick keep going back to the same medical system that has them hooked on suffering, medication, and malpractice and never bothering to question if perhaps there’s a better way. They’re like—they are—the multitudes of people who clamor for truth and justice and peace and love only to kill the messenger when he or she arrives.

I’m not suggesting anyone become a conspiracy buff, and I have no reluctance in stating that many sources of conspiracy information are bogged down in both dis- and misinformation and in negativity. However, there are sources that have higher fact levels and supply the info in a non-“fear porn” fashion. Furthermore, it’s much easier to view the data objectively when we resolve the inner-turmoil causing us to perceive it with added negativity.

In closing, as bothersome as it can be to become aware of it, we only serve to perpetuate all that is wrong with the world when we pretend it’s not there.

We don’t always have to like how thing are and the truth doesn’t always have to make us feel good… as if the lies people currently prefer actually do…

Remember: Life itself is simple, and it makes sense.

It is we, humanity, who have made life so complex and difficult.

By the very laws of the cosmos, it is therefore we who have to unfuck ourselves.