Thursday, October 5, 2017

Soul Fragments of Childhood

by John Boodhansingh of Zero Mindfulness

If the average person were to look at my childhood interests, they’d probably think little if anything unhealthy of them: X-Men cards, Transformers, Nintendo, etc.—they were no different than the interests of millions of other kids born around 1984, and we all generally grew up just fine, didn’t we…?

And I bet my interests would be assumed to be nothing beyond a more or less random selection of what was available at that time; products of, say, parental allowance with regard to TV shows, or mere excitement-based attraction where toys are concerned.

It might be surprising to hear that “turning out just fine” is both questionable and relative, and that in many instances the interests were hardly “random.” The error in “turning out just fine” has many implications, most of which will not be discussed here (e.g.: societal honor of alcoholism). As for interests and consequent choices, these were actually often made in response to deeply unconscious but very specific desires and knowledge that conscious awareness could not then reveal.

As I now see in hindsight, certain items and themes resonated deeply with me for their being unconscious revelations of both life struggles and reminders of who I really am.

I will now get into some personal details to describe what I’m talking about. Please use this as an opportunity to examine your own childhood interests and how they may or do reflect your own inner self. You can read all about my own findings, but they can’t really do you any good unless you apply the underlying concepts to your own life. Knowledge is useless until it is felt, until it is given purpose.

Why My Interests Are So Interesting (To Me)

G.I. Joe’s
Like so many other kids, I had plenty of G.I. Joe’s and played with them all the time. What’s worth noting is the fact that I’d always bought or been given the Cobra figures, that is, “the bad guy.” I don’t remember there ever being a conscious choice whether to take the side of G.I. Joe or Cobra or both—it just “happened” that Cobra figures were “mine,” and I’d made no qualms about it.

Consequently, for most of my life I’d always felt like I was the bad guy; I’d always believed myself to be rejected, unwanted, the problem, a sinner; I’d always believed that the problems of life and other were my fault, and others frequently blamed me as if this we’re true.

As a child I’d had plenty of Legos, too. In general, I loved Legos because I’m an inherently creative individual, and I like working with my hands. I’d rarely assembled anything, however, that was not given piece-for-piece with a set of instructions due to deep childhood programming associated with a “necessity” to “follow the rules” for fear of “chaos” and an inability to cope with free expression.

The three primary Lego sets I’d played with were City, Fire (within City), and Space.

I can see the City set, with all the formality of roads, buildings, etc., as resonant with an inner desire for structure, for order. Similar to what I suggested in a previous post in regard to occupation, my sense is that my draw to having many Fire stations and vehicles was an expression of repressed, “burning” anger. I also see it as a “cry for rescue.” I wonder, too, if the predominance of the color red had attracted me based on how we respond unconsciously to different colors. In this case, I’d probably felt my life to be lacking in, uh, life, in an experientially satisfying intensity.

The Space set is a fascinating topic. As a kid I’d wanted to be an astronaut. Like most kids, though, my soul was crushed in the process of “growing up,” and all such hopes were flushed down the drain. Still, I’d maintained a pleasure of looking at the starry night sky, and had long held a fixation with gazing at the constellation Orion—this is, until just a few years ago when I’d read that certain souls currently incarnated on Earth have actually come from other star systems. For some reason my fixation promptly disappeared, though I couldn’t have consciously said why. Awesomely enough, I recently found out in a “Soul Realignment” Akashic Reading that I received from a friend, my soul originated in and has a strong connection to the star system commonly known as Nihal, or Beta Leporis, in the constellation Lepas which is located immediately below Orion.

My interest in space, hardly intellectually and vastly more in a felt sense, seems a yearning for freedom, a longing for unlimited expansion and beauty. Perhaps the Space Legos were a sort of way to “get home.”

Video Games
From Day 1, I’ve always enjoyed playing classics like Super Mario Brothers, Mario Cart, Paperboy, and so on. But beyond these and particularly into my “last” days of gaming some 7-ish years ago, my focus was very often on shooters (e.g.: Doom), fighters (Mortal Kombat), and/or war games (Warcraft II). These were effectively an outlet for easing my pent-up anger. Which could also be noted about my love for the Resident Evil series, but this was more closely a reflection of my zombified sense of self.

I’d also enjoyed playing a number of arcade-style racing games. These games, such as Burnout 3: Takedown, often contained features where I could ease inner turmoil by slamming into others and knocking them off the road, or as in the game Road Rash, beat the hell out of other motorcyclists with a variety weapons until they crashed.

The names of many games alone should be red flags of the psycho-emotional distortions required to find pleasure in playing them.

Otherwise, I had few games but would play them 1000 times over to get every secret, every award, every everything. Unable to feel or prove my worth in “real life” and feeling terribly lonely, I took to connecting and achieving in a virtual world.

TV Shows
The last thing I’d like to mention is TV "programming." My staple shows as a kid were cartoons. There were soooooo many in all, and I know I could find something in at least some of them, but I’m going to pass up on doing so. What I’d more like to point out are the live action/non-animated shows I'd begun watching in my mid- to late-childhood years. There were some "friendly" shows, yes, but I'd also gotten into ones such as Rescue 911 and Unsolved Mysteries.

By all means, Unsolved Mysteries had some cool, if creepy, UFO stories (and maybe some others that I no longer recall). But by and large, heavily based on truth or not, the two shows were loaded with trauma drama and fear. Like soap operas (I can still remember the names and faces of people from General Hospital that my mom watched every day 25 years ago), why in the world would anyone allow themselves to become daily and hourly absorbed in these things unless the constant drama and fear resonated with trauma already within one’s self?

For short of having psycho-emotional distortions, there’s really nothing pleasurable about seeing, as I recall in what I think was an episode of Rescue 911, a little girl hear her mother say she’s going to put her infant in the bath, so the girl accidentally fills the tub (unbeknownst to the mom) with blazing hot water and then puts the baby in and burns all its skin off. Or, as in Unsolved Mysteries episodes, where some guy goes into some place and kills the people—only for the viewer to find out that the killer is still loose. [Cue, Robert Stack:] “If you have any information…”

Yes, sure, if one is viewing such content for the sake of, say, documentary purposes or on occasion, I totally get it. But I feel like only one with a whacked out psyche and in a state of emotional unrest would call this “entertainment” and watch it over and over again every night for years. And I was only around 7 or 10 years old when I'd watched these.


When you do your own self-inquiry, there are a few useful things to keep in mind in terms of resonance.

One thing is that your interests could be anything; don’t limit them to the obvious “kid stuff.” If as a kid you collected rocks or had a replica of every pair of shoes that Nike had designed for Michael Jordan, so be it.

A second thing is that life is presenting to you what is in some way resonant with you.

Above, I’d mentioned my resonation with Cobra due to the belief that I was “the bad guy.” This is how it worked in my case but may not be so in everyone else’s. For example, you might find that as a kid you’d only played with G.I. Joe, the good guy, and get thinking that you must therefore be a good person. You may be “good” from the standpoint that you’ve never killed anyone or shoplifted, but “good” is word of extraordinary relativity whose implications have to be thoroughly evaluated.

It’s possible that you could believe about yourself all the negative things I had about myself but chosen the side of G.I. Joe for the sake of trying to prove to yourself that, “I really am the good guy.” As deeper “proof,” you might remember your playtimes occurring such that Cobra always lost; perhaps you even got into frequent fights with friends contending that G.I. Joe’s weapons are better or that So-and-So did such-and-such and the bad guy “clearly” lost. Be careful with your interpretation.

Another important consideration is that children will, to varying extents, get what resonates with their parents.

Is what you were allowed as a child really what you’d wanted, or were you denied what you’d wanted and forced to “accept” and “be happy” with what your parents wanted you to want?

Understanding the implications of this question is important because it leads to an answer, potentially a shocking one, as to you becoming who your parents had wanted you to become to the exclusion of you becoming yourself. In saying that you’d been denied this toy or that TV show (or whatever), the denial itself could be a pathway to understanding the unwanted you who you’ve become in response.

Do you harbor resentment against your parents? Did you force on yourself the belief that, “Mother and Father are right, and I’ll be better off if I follow their ways”? Did you repress anger and end up seeking “freedom” through less healthy means? Have you since become a parent and now deny your own kids the same?

Returning Home, One Piece at a Time

This existence is one of self-discovery.

Our interests in childhood (as with our interests throughout life) are reflections of our soul. Each interest thus guides us back to our own selves: sometimes reasonably directly, but usually in first allowing us to play with who it is we are not in order that we may eventually become dissatisfied and seek instead who we truly are.

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