Tuesday, November 28, 2017

“Tying the Knot” – Part 2: Indifference and Conscious Evolution

by John Boodhansingh of Zero Mindfulness

In my May 2017 post "Tying the Knot" ...Oh, It's a Knot Alright., I started off by saying: “I don’t agree with most marriages.”

I’d also then said: “[T]his has nothing to do with either partner as individuals themselves. They may seem the kindest people in the world, or they could be serial-killing crack dealers.”

While I still align with what I’d written to back up my point, I now realize that the individuals do make a difference, and this is for the reason that my across-the-board disagreement of most marriages was short-sighted. I’d have said it more appropriately as disagreeing with some and being indifferent to some (which is not to say there are no marriages I’d approve of).

Here’s why…


In terms of disagreement, let’s take a relationship in which a man beats a woman. Both partners, due to distorted thinking acquired in childhood, see their abuser-victim relationship as “love.” For obvious reasons to most other people, however, this is clearly a toxic, loveless relationship, and marriage is an equally clear mistake.

Also consider forced relationships. Although there may be some love in these (unlike the previous kind which has none), there is a level of distortion that overwhelms sane intimacy. These relationships reveal themselves through moderate-to-constant complaining, criticism, blame, unhappiness, mistrust, dependency, approval-seeking, and so forth.

A lot of people are unable to perceive forced relationships for what they really are. Common reasons for this are that the people viewing are in these very relationships themselves and/or faulty beliefs are carried such as, “All is okay if they say or it looks okay,” and desires such as, “This is what I want to be true about them.” Absent these blinders, one can plainly see that if marriage occurs, short of a miracle, a divorce or at least a very dissatisfying relationship is certain.

In this category, internal digging and vulnerability with one's partner to resolve issues is virtually unheard of. Relationships under the aforementioned circumstances—and there are plenty—I simply cannot endorse for marriage.


While the relationships that fall into the “indifference” category can exhibit lighter shades of some of the troubles listed above, they don’t tread at such a depth of negativity. Nevertheless, for reasons stated aplenty on this blog, people generally don’t know who they are, what they want, or why they want it, and they don’t know why they are attracted to who they are attracted to. The answers to these questions are rarely asked, sometimes for the sake of plain ignorance, sometimes for that of stubbornness, fear, and arrogance. With relatively few exceptions, so much unconsciousness cannot and does not lend itself well to true intimacy.

In these relationships, love is definitely of a higher quality and quantity than the “disagreement” instances, and of these I get no intuitive sense that divorce and/or supreme misery is effectively guaranteed. However, because two false egos are still in play, what is guaranteed is a lot of unconscious behavior, repressed feelings, etc. What ultimately springs from such a relationship or marriage only the unfoldment of time can say.

When this type of relationship turns to marriage, my feeling is of indifference. By all means, I hope the best for any such couple, but I certainly don’t expect “a match made in heaven.” Just as people unconsciously work certain jobs or have certain interests as a soul means of becoming conscious about their true nature, so do people unconsciously choose relationships and marriage for the same.

I don’t disagree with these, per se, because they’re what people have to do to wake up and they don’t cause any major harm or perpetuate outstanding unhappiness. I am therefore understanding of and left indifferent to these peoples’ choices to get married (other than writing as I’m inspired in order to help people awaken to conscious choice).

Fractured Evolution Leads To Failure

Collectively, we have more than enough expectations regarding marriage, these even affecting those who aren’t directly involved.

What I’m pointing to, here, is the expectation that if someone feels bright-eyed and cheery about their relationship decisions then everyone else should feel the same. It’s almost unfathomable that anyone, especially a close anyone (e.g.: family or friend) would not share in the joy. But if what underlies the fulfillment of expectation doesn’t feel true to me, I will not comply.

Marriage has been accepted like a one-size-fits-all shoe, but it’s really not at all a one-size-fits-all shoe.

Yes, in the past we needed marriage as a condition of survival, for economic stability, and for religious control purposes. But in this day and age in the developed world, these once-substantial marital supports have become nearly obsolete.

It’s important to see that even though our world has evolved externally, we haven’t evolved internally to keep up with it: to let go of what no longer applies, to adapt old traditions to new awareness, or to resolve the distortions that now arise within us that are seeking to be addressed. We’ve shifted from carrying on tradition for necessity’s sake to carrying on tradition to satisfy (or in attempt to satisfy) egoic wants, expectations, fears, etc.

It’s also worth considering the fact that, as individuals, our thinking evolves from time to time (unless we’re really stubborn).

Back in the day, it’s understandable that people would hop into an early marriage and have a few kids right quick since their lifespans we’re relatively short. But now we have more time: more time to meet potential mates, more time to have families, more time for self-discovery and figuring out what we really want, and so on.

We would do well to take advantage of this. This goes especially for the item of self-discovery, because if we don’t know what we want or why we want it, if in our self-ignorance we’re unaware of our highest truths, we simply can’t make optimal choices (maybe not even positive choices). This leads to dissatisfaction and fickle thinking—thinking likely fueled by waves of imbalanced and repressed emotional energy—and thus more dissatisfaction and fickle thinking.

Guy: Dude, you married a stripper when you were 23…
Dude (now 34 years old): It seemed like a good it idea at the time…

Life evolves, and we are no small part of it. It’s therefore important that we seek to know ourselves so that we can consciously evolve with life.

Do What You Will, but Be Conscious About It.

As I write about marriage, it doesn’t bypass my awareness that what I’m saying can and will provoke volatility when making contact with others. (What’s new?)

But for whatever it’s worth, I wish to point out that my calling out of unconscious marriage beliefs, behaviors, and expectations is no different to me than my rejection of the same in areas such as work, politics, and sports. Perhaps one of the few differences is that our feelings about the “rights” and “wrongs” of marriage are so deeply and thoroughly embedded and personalized and are often interwoven with heavy religious programming.

Yet, there is no part of life that is somehow magically removed from the influence of aberrant thinking and its consequent unhealthy behavior. What I’m saying must be said. (And if I don’t do it, someone else will… and probably will, anyway.)

See that the point I’m trying to make here is not about marriage as a rite but a as blind alignment with old ways in a new time and for reasons we know not.

Quite frankly, if everyone who is married now or wants to get married were to eliminate all their current marriage- and relationship-related false beliefs and fears and still want to remain married or get married, I really don’t care.

But I’ve no doubt in my mind that if people could see everything in the light of conscious awareness, of self-truth, many would want a divorce, many would seek out a new partner, and many would forgo marriage altogether.

When we’re only taught to do one thing and everything else is either unknown, skewed, or shunned, 99.845% of people fulfill the demand provided. On the contrary, when we have conscious self-awareness, courage, and a truly free will, there’s no question that other paths will be taken.

What I’m giving to you here and in every other blog post is awareness of truth (as I see it) and alternate possibilities and potentials.

If something doesn’t resonate with you, either self-inquire as to why or forget about it (or both). If something does resonate, then take it beyond my mere words and turn it into something of personal value.

And if you’re going to be in a relationship, if you’re going to consider marriage, don’t do what’s right for your family, for your religion, for a tradition, or for your fat-headed ego—they’ve all got their own, often selfish, agendas.

Do what’s right for you. After all, you are the one who’s going to have to live with it.

By the way… I recently read Modern Romance written by comedian and actor Aziz Ansari with sociologist Eric Klinenberg. The book discusses global relationship concerns, across times and cultures, with a focus on the age of online dating and smart phones. Aziz is funny as ever, and a load of well-researched information is provided. I recommend reading it.

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