Thursday, October 17, 2019

“I Got Engaged!!” [Cue Mechanical Excitement Response]

by John Boodhansingh of Zero Mindfulness



“Oh, congratulations! … [Does my smile looks as real as it is fake?]

When someone tells you that they got engaged or married, what do you say?

Why?

Not-So-Great Expectations

I’ve never bought into this whole marriage deal.

Something about it has always rubbed me the wrong way, but for most of my life I hadn’t questioned my thoughts or feelings. Indeed, I didn’t want to for the sake of fear and change.

I therefore continued along with the status quo beliefs and expectations embedded within our culture such as
  • Serious/long-term relationships should roll into marriage.
  • Marriage is a good and necessary thing.
  • You should approve of the marriages of family members and friends.
  • You should be happy for others when they’re getting married.
  • You should lie about your true feelings to yourself and others.

Well, I got tired of being fake and decided to thoroughly question my motives and feelings and be myself instead of a phony.

“Guess what, John!? Marissa and I got engaged!!”

“...Okay...”

I’m such a let-down.

Marriage is an opinion as to how to live life. People can call it a religious necessity or a validator of love or a tax break or whatever they’d like to call it, but it’s merely an opinion, albeit a very popular one.

If it’s an opinion anyone wants to accept as their own, that’s wholly their business. But, like anything worth calling one’s own, it’s important for people to understand what and why they are calling it their own to begin with and why they are approving of others who’re of like mind.

It all starts with integrity.

Here’s Why…

If you’re truly happy for an engaged couple or newly-weds, then by all means share in their happiness. But if you feel any other way, then you would be lying to respond contrary to those feelings.

Rebuttals may arise to this such as, “But I’m afraid to hurt their feelings,” and, “I’m afraid they’ll hate me and gossip about me if I show disapproval, or, God forbid, they find out I think it’s a horrible idea.”

I get it. It sucks to see others hurt, and it sucks when others reject us because we didn’t live up to their not-so-great expectations.

But I also get that:
  1. It’s all programming, conditioning. Which doesn’t necessarily mean that any of it is right or sane, but just simply the accepted norm.

  2. Their disappointment is based on an expectation based on an imaginary depiction of “who he/she is” and “how he/she will respond to my good news.”

  3. This is not so much a fear of hurting the feelings of another: It is a fear that in hurting someone else’s feelings—even if we’re fully in integrity—our own feelings will be hurt.

  4. If another is going to reject us in any way because “we” have upset them, we can accurately assume that we’re merely stoking a fire that had already been burning. The trigger for this reactive negativity had been embedded long before the current circumstance; we thus only trigger what is already there and are not the ones creating it.
If you must, when the engaged excitedly tell you, “We’re getting married!!!” in integrity you look at them and say, “Okay.”

Because you know just as I do that to lie about this is going to make you miserable. Especially if the person is a family member or close friend, you’re going to have to uphold a lot of fakery. If you tell one lie, you either have to come clean immediately or keep on telling them.

And what does the lie get for you? So you didn’t hurt their feelings in order to avoid hurting both their feelings and your own. But now you hurt anyway because you carry a guilt which makes you wish you’d told the truth. Now you have to either fess up, which will make them double miserable, or keep lying, which will leave you feeling bad repeatedly and embed you with guilt for life.

You better hope he or she doesn’t then ask you to be in his or her wedding party. (Yikes!)

In fakery, everyone gets hurt and unhealthy expectations and behaviors perpetuate.

Seemingly Reasonable Approval

Now, let’s say you do approve of a given engagement/marriage, or you know of a currently unengaged couple and think that if they’d walk up to you right now and tell you they are getting married you’d congratulate them.

My question is: How reasonable is this approval?

To answer this, I’m going to look at a few different scenarios and their underlying mentalities. Keep in mind with each that I’m making up scenarios in order to illustrate a point: As needed, read in between the lines; insert details from your own life or from the lives of people you know or alter the details to make the scenarios more or less fitting.

The Little-Known In-Law-To-Be
Suppose you have a nephew who you only see three times per year. As far as you’re aware, he’s more on the up-and-up than the down-and-down. He seems nice and friendly and all that, and he’s your relative, so how can you say anything bad about him? However, you don’t know him all that well.

Your nephew has a girlfriend. And maybe you’ve only see her once or twice per year. Maybe you’ve never even seen her in the five years they’ve dated.

If your nephew comes to you one day and says, “Hey, guess what, Uncle Ripley!? Believe it or not, me and Tina are getting married!” what are you going to say? I would hazard to guess that you’d say, “Oh, how wonderful! Great to hear!”

But is it? You hardly know your nephew, and what you “know” about his girlfriend, if anything, you’d learned second-hand. What do you really have to base your judgment of approval on?

Marriage is, after all, at least traditionally speaking, a rite meant for those who are truly in love and wish to be together their whole lives. Aside from merely seeing ideas such as, They should get married because “it’s time”, or, They must love each other since they’ve been together for so long, how much of a feeling do you actually get that they’re a really good match? Is it enough to endorse a marriage?

Misplaced Trust
Trust—as in, “I trust [my nephew, niece, second cousin thrice removed, etc.] to make the best decision.”—may be claimed in cases where knowledge and interaction with those getting married is sketchy.

Here, trust seems a reasonable thing, but maybe only at surface value.

Following the example above, your nephew and his girlfriend could turn out to make an outstanding couple. Alternately, maybe what you view in your nephew as being “quiet and shy and kind toward his partner” is actually a major lack of self-confidence. Maybe his girlfriend, the one you’ve only just met, now, as they tell you of their engagement, pushes your nephew around all the time because she’s a miserable snot and he’s too weak to stand up for himself.

To congratulate is to give approval, and to give approval in blind trust is, potentially, misplaced.

Two-Faced Approval
When I’d written the post “Silly Traditions: Permission To Wed,” I’d said:
When you realize, if you realize, the depth to which the average person is making nearly every decision not by free will as it appears but as driven by subconscious (i.e.: unknown) fears, errant beliefs, and trauma-based directives, you will also realize how it is that a grown man can “give his daughter away” … to a man he disapproves of.
I still feel this is true. And similar can be said, or asked, here.

Even if you knew a newly-engaged couple fairly well, on being told of the engagement, how many of you would offer prompt congratulations even if you didn’t agree with such a marriage?

How many of you would, perhaps, smile and say something like, “Oh! Good for you!” only to say to you spouse or friend or a coworker later on while rolling your eyes, “Isn’t that the girl who’d told us that she’s only marrying him to get citizenship? That’s mad whack, yo!”?

Or would you put a justification to it? You might congratulate the couple while thinking, I’m a Christian, and they’re Satanists. But it’s not in my place to tell anyone, if unasked, that I find their marriage unacceptable.

On one hand, sure, if a couple wants to get married, their marriage doesn’t cause harm to others, and they don’t ask for the input of others, it’s not really anyone else’s business to be negatively disagreeable. On the other hand, why did you offer congratulations? That’s effectively your approval, your agreement. You don’t have to say, “I disagree because you’re Satanists who want to get married in a black mass and will go to hell and burn forever—die, die, die!” but neither do you have to extend congratulations if you believe the marriage is wrong.

It is so important that people give conscious attention to what’s actually going on in their minds, to notice the obscene number of rationalizations and all the non-integral thought-to-deed behavior to result, and then internally align themselves as needed.

The Over-Eager Marriage Endorser

Another way people offer junk marriage approval can be seen in the instances where someone is over-eager for someone else to get married, such as a mother or father persistently insisting that their son or daughter get married to their partner.

Unless there is direct harm being done to others in not making a marital commitment (which seems very rare, at best), one’s discomfort over someone else’s relationship choices and path is solely on the person who experiences the discomfort.

If anyone who is in this category of over-eager approval would look deeply enough, they’d find these words to be 100% accurate. The proof would be found in beliefs such as, They better get married because my religion demands it, and fears such as, If my kid isn’t married but he sleeps in the same bed as his partner, what will my family think of me, what will my friends think of me, what will God think of me? I could go to hell. I’m a lousy parent. Oh, my parents would roll in their graves if they knew my son lived with his girlfriend out of wedlock. Oh, and the sinful things they must be doing with each other. Oh, God, please have mercy on our souls!

To prod another in this way is interference; it’s arrogant, selfish, and immature.

Also, while the one doing the urging might claim unconditional love, what they’re actually projecting is conditional love. Do this, or else…

Inadequacy is also implied: What I want for you is more important than what you want for you. And, I know what you need better than you know what you need. And, You can’t run your life properly, so I’m going to tell you how to do it.

No one appreciates being told what to do as though they’re an ignorant and irresponsible dope. You don’t like it, I don’t like it, and no one else likes it.

To those who do this: Learn to take control of your own lives rather than seeking to control the lives of others as if this could actually, somehow, maybe, eventually, if you only finally say or do the right thing at the right time and say or do enough of it, give you what you want.

As You Be, So You See

There are things I point out in my writing that go straight to the core of our fears, false beliefs, and behaviors in such a way as to immediately reveal distortions. While it’s possible, and even likely, that a person who carries a resonant distortion will try to deny it, since the points I make are sometimes so sharp the person will not be able to deny in honesty.

Yet there are others who may honestly not see the distortions for what they are.

This is one of the reasons I see self-inquiry and the general practice of self-help as so important for everyone:

As you be, so you see.

Earlier, I’d thrown out the hypothetical instance of Uncle Ripley’s approval of his little-known nephew’s engagement. Then I questioned the potential behaviors of his nephew and fiancé.

It could be that Uncle Ripley is quite blind to the fact that his nephew is weak-willed and his girl pushes him around even if he knows both of them well and sees their negative behavior regularly. This would be so under the condition that Uncle Ripley has the very same dynamic playing out in his own relationship.

Perhaps belittlement of husband by wife is what Uncle Ripley had learned to be “love” by his parents. So, weak-willed himself, when he went seeking love he found a “perfect” match with a pusher-arounder female. Now, he sees nothing particularly wrong with such relationships. They may not be perfect, but “What is perfect?” or, “It’s the way life is.”

In this light, we can understand why there are occasions when a person could be both ignorant and of distorted perception and still honestly offer marriage approval: The person is seeing an unquestioned external reflection of what they perceive as true within.

Easy it is for the mind to see whatever it wants to see, especially when it’s been looking at life from a skewed perspective since birth. Self-inquiry then becomes the required key for pulling together the whole picture in order to heal, see clearly, and make quality and truly self-integrated decisions.

As You See, So You Be

As I make points as to what to be on the lookout for, I realize there are things that the average person doesn’t or can’t know about others. But much of this is simply due to our high levels of self-ignorance.

This is where the ever-useful tool of self-inquiry comes in—again. The more you open up to yourself, the more you’ll be able to observe the world clearly with your outer eyes, and the more you’ll be able to perceive intuitively with your inner eyes.

With practice and healing, what you’ll come to discover is that whether you meet someone once per day or once per decade, they are presenting you (and everyone else) with signs, both subtle and coarse, as to what they believe, how they were raised, what they really feel about this, that, and the other thing, and so on. The average person has no idea how much they’re “saying” without saying anything at all or even speaking to the contrary.

As this applies to the current marriage engagement topic, I can’t help but think that if people actually knew what they are offering congratulations and approval about and why then they’d be doing it far less.

…Or maybe not.

Because if self-inquiry leads to healing and everyone were self-inquiring, then everyone would be healing, and everyone would be making healthier choices, and fewer people would be getting engaged and married under false pretenses, and fewer people would have to deny approval, and we’d all be happier, more integrated people!

Option 3

This whole time I’ve been talking in terms of approval and disapproval. Are there other choices?

Yes, at least one: indifference.

Personally, for plenty more reasons than discussed in this post, I feel an overall indifference to marriage in nearly all circumstances.

I intuitively see a lot of the more subtle issues of relationships, but, except maybe in cases where significant harm is involved, what others choose relationship-wise is irrelevant to me.

Everyone has their personal life lessons and thoughts and behaviors, some for the better and some for the worse, and if people want to attach a marriage onto it all, it’s not mine to be concerned with.

In indifference, I don’t offer congratulations or attend weddings, but I do, if only in mind, wish them the best.

It’s Personal

Although at times I’ve been more direct with saying that certain behaviors (such as the over-eager marriage endorser) are thoroughly distorted, I encourage you to find your own answers (which you should be doing anyway, regardless of whether I claim a thing to be right or wrong).

This is far more about you than anyone else. This is about using self-inquiry to personally see circumstances more realistically and then using that awareness to make wiser, more integrated choices.

Again consider the “little-known in-law-to-be.” I’ve provided you a couple guideposts to follow, my intention being to lead you, not to “the right answers,” but to the answers that work for you.

There are many perspectives by which a person can look at a given situation, but how diverse and meaningful are they?

My sense is that most people haven’t reflected on relationships and marital circumstances as I have here. I therefore hope that you’ll find this to be a useful tool in moving forward, in engaging with yourself to come ever closer to living in whatever way works best for you.

Thursday, October 10, 2019

You Are the Meaning of Life

by John Boodhansingh of Zero Mindfulness



Have you ever accidentally…

…slipped on ice?
…burned yourself?
…stepped in poop?
…stubbed a toe?
…crashed a car?
…walked into a glass door?
…tripped on a shoelace?
…gotten a splinter?
…fallen down the steps?
…locked yourself out?
…bought rotten fruit?
…gotten a paper cut?
…chipped a tooth?

“Accidentally…? Yeah, right, because I do them on purpose all the time.”

Well, truth is, we all do do these things on purpose all the time. We just don’t realize it because it’s not a conscious aspect of us that’s directly responsible.

Similar can be said of when our…

…dishwasher leaks.
…car’s timing belt tears.
…stove doesn’t turn on.
…computer gets a virus.
…clothes majorly shrink in the dryer.
…house’s foundation cracks.

Flush 'Em Out

When hardship strikes people so often have rationalizations at the ready such as, “Life is a bitch,” “God hates me,” “I’m doing penance,” “It’s one thing after another,” and so on.

Please, get rid of these rationalizations.

Write your rationalizations on a piece of toilet paper, on the top write These are shit:, and then flush the list down the toilet.

Then ask aloud, “What is the cause of my hardship? Please, Life/God/Source, what causes me all this pain and suffering?”

The Cost of Ignorance and Stagnation

Except for the penance excuse, with the vast majority of us carrying the victim mentality, it’s very easy for us to overlook any benefit to pain.

Think again of the rationalizations mentioned a moment ago. Where is there any room for an alternative view, potentially one that’s more positive and thoughtful? There isn’t.

Painful experiences occur and the mind says, “This random hardship is happening because life sucks like that,” or, “This is happening because I’m unworthy of happiness.”

Life responds by saying, “Okay, well, that’s a pretty closed-minded, ignorant view you have, claiming you know the truth and thus shutting yourself off to anything better. But if that’s what you want, then that’s what you can have. I will gift you with more pain.”

Why does Life say this? Is Life evil?

What Life knows—but few of us do—is that we are not who we’ve constructed ourselves to be. Life knows that we are not our collection of beliefs and fears. Life knows that we are not the distorted things we say and do based on our faulty internal software that we imagine to be true. Life knows that we are not little cosmic accidents that shouldn’t even be here.

Life gives us pain because pain, and the usually consequent suffering, is the ideal impetus for positive change.

“Out There” Is “In Here”

There is a fact of life that I repeat over and over again on this blog. It is that

Life is a mirror. What is external to us is a mirror of what is within us.

I really cannot stress this point enough.

The reason I told you earlier to flush out your rationalizations about why you experience hardship is because, in order to understand the mirror-image of life and to understand what you’re being told, you have to first open your mind to the possibility.

Even if you don’t like the idea, can you at least not believe that you don’t believe?

Life is going to continue giving you unnecessary hardship whether you want to face it or not. At least if you decide to change, to open to possibility and self-responsibility, then you’ll immediately be able to see the truth for what it is.

Try This…

When you slip on ice, ask yourself if there’s something about your overall experience that’s “slipping.”

When your house gets infested with termites, ask yourself if there’s something that’s been psycho-emotionally “eating away” at you.

When you get a sore throat, ask yourself if there’s something you’d wanted to speak up about just before getting sick but failed to do so due to fear.

When you drop food on the floor, ask yourself if perhaps it’s time to eat healthier or lose some weight.

When you bang your head, ask yourself if you’re being headstrong or big-headed or hardheaded about something.

When a tire on your car blows out, ask yourself if you’ve been getting enough rest, if you’re “overtired,” or if you’re “tired” of faking your way through life.

When you hear excessive car alarms and horns, ask yourself if there’s something that desperately needs your attention.

Leakage before the Levee Breaks

Let’s suppose that you’re “headed for a crash” in some area of life.

Perhaps you have stocks that are about to tank or maybe you intend to tell a coworker something that will put your job in jeopardy—I don’t know, and it’s completely on you to read the signs and figure out the metaphor.

For the most part, there are stages, or there is a progression, in which Life offers signs before an incident occurs.

Let’s use the example of your intention to tell a coworker something that will, unbeknownst to you, put your job in jeopardy.

As you formulate what you will say to your coworker, Life is working to set up unusual incidents meant to get your attention and suggest to you that you’re about to make a very poor decision and you need to reevaluate.

Maybe you decide that before saying anything you should first type up your thoughts cohesively. You double-click on Word and nothing happens. You double-click again and nothing happens. Thinking this odd but probably an easy fix, you open Firefox intending to search for a cause and means of resolution and the first link you click on causes a virus warning to pop up. This seems even more peculiar to you, but, well, peculiar is the way life is sometimes.

You decide to give up for the time being but can’t stop thinking about what you want to say.

The next day, you order Chinese food for lunch and get a fortune cookie with it. The message reads,

Your mouth is only as wise as your mind.

You chortle to yourself and sarcastically think, That’s why I get paid the big bucks—I’m a genius and people love what I say.

Upon leaving the restaurant, as you drive through the intersection, another driver misses their stop sign and drives right into your car. Naturally, you place blame on the other person.

The next day, having ignored the deeper meaning of your hardship and even blamed it on others, you go into work, you tell your coworker what’s been on your mind, and soon afterward you lose your job.

The Trajectory of Pain

Your hypothetical situation escalated very quickly before its climax.

This is not uncommon, but Life does often give us plenty of time to see the signs provided and adjust ourselves accordingly—sometimes we’re given years or decades.

This is not to say, however, that a time extension makes life any more pleasurable.

If, for instance, you have a resentment for life, if you can’t enjoy your life, if mostly unconsciously, you might be on a trajectory for pancreatic cancer since the pancreas releases insulin which allows you to absorb sugar, or the “sweetness of life.”

You might not be diagnosed with cancer until you’re 64 years old, but you might very well spend several decades prior with diabetes and other metabolic disorders.

Repeat Offenders

Also, hardship’s pain can be repetitive; it’s not always varied.

Repetition can be a more powerful attention-getter than the variable because the repetitive can be so peculiar.

For example, if you’d intended to buy a certain used car, even though your (physiological) motor skills and spatial perception are usually in great shape, you might unexpectedly slip on the stairs three times within the three days prior to the date you’d scheduled to buy the car.

Slipping on the steps like this could be a sharp message to you from Life saying, Do not buy the car! You will regret it!

This doesn’t mean that you’re going to drive the car home and the engine is going to fall out… At least not for a few days.

If the seller is being dishonest to you, Life would know this and could be helping you to make a better decision. If you don’t have the intuitive openness to just “get it,” the only thing you have to rely on is the signage Life puts before you. And the signage is always there whether you know it or not.

Context

Regarding all the above, take this as a significant chuck of the full picture of hardship and pain, not the whole thing.

In one instance, consider death. Everyone and everything must pass away. These circumstances cause hardship and pain, but there is nothing we can do about them but embrace them for what they are.

In a second instance, perhaps a painful event happens as a means of balancing a person’s karma from another lifetime. In such cases, unless a person were either highly intuitive or went to a healer or psychic of some sort to find an answer, which might never come, a person could exhaust themselves through effort and worry trying to connect dots in their life that simply cannot be connected.

Whether pains are mild and short-lived or intense and long-term, while many do have very specific psycho-emotional components that must be addressed for healing, some must simply be experienced as they are and left alone.

You Are the Meaning of Life

I made a note for myself on my computer’s desktop that says:

Every little “glitch.”

The fact is:

Nothing in life is meaningless.
There is no such thing as a coincidence.

We’re so lost in our ideas about how we imagine life to be that we’re unable to see how life is in reality.

We’re unable to see the Oneness of existence; unable to see that Life is madly in love with us because Life is us, and, with whatever leeway we allow Life based on its inability to interfere with our beliefs and fears, Life is doing everything in its power, desperately trying to get our attention, for the sake of us remembering this very fact.

Life doesn’t appear to have much meaning to so many of us because we don’t see meaning within ourselves.

But Life puts out sign after sign after sign anyway in hopes we’ll finally realize, Yes! I see that life has meaning because I have meaning, and I have meaning because life has meaning!

Does God hate us? Is life a bitch? Does life suck?

Admittedly, life can be incredibly fucking difficult sometimes—many sometimes!

But Life is also madly in love with us because Life is us.

Life works tirelessly to reveal to us that, no matter how ugly the external circumstances, there is a space of pure, unconditional love within each of us.

And what is pure, unconditional love but God itself?

Do you remember?

Saturday, October 5, 2019

You Say You Don’t Actually Mean That? Are You Sure?

by John Boodhansingh of Zero Mindfulness



Some time ago I was out for a walk and passed an older guy on a cellphone who sounded like he was talking to his grandson.

From what I briefly overheard it sounded as if the guy’s grandson had made a mild joke about this guy to which the guy laughingly responded, “Do you want a knuckle sandwich, kid!? Do you know what a knuckle sandwich is!? Do you want me to give you one!?”

As the guy said this, an image came to my mind of this grown man smashing his 10-year-old grandson’s jaw with his fist for making a silly joke about him.


This incident got me thinking about the irrational things we say that we don’t at all think are irrational.

Although usually said seriously, another phrase, which isn’t very common anymore and I probably remember more so from watching cartoons as a child, is, “You’d better scram before I make mincemeat out of you.”

If we would stop for a minute to actually think about what we’re saying, although these things may be meant jokingly, there’s still an edge of wickedness to them.

Our grandson makes a well-intentioned joke and we react by telling him we’re going to smash his teeth in?

Or maybe our neighbor doesn’t want us in his yard stealing tomatoes and he threatens to put us through the meat grinder?

Am I mistaken to say these things are at least a little bit intense?

While I can accept humor where humor is due and seriousness where seriousness is due, the fact that threats—and such harsh threats, at that, even without any intention of following through—are how a person impulsively responds seems to point back to something internally troubling.


I’ve become far more conscious of my own language over the last decade, and I’ve noticed how, as I clean up my internal world, it rarely occurs to me to make such threats. Of the few times that I do I tend to feel very awkward about it.

Ten years ago I was of a coarser level of consciousness. For someone to make a joke about me that I knew was a joke and one which I would have agreed was it’s true and funny and ha-ha-ha, I might have jokingly replied with a statement such as, “I’ve killed people for lesser offenses.”

Nowadays, I can’t say that I’d never say such things again. But I’m quite uncomfortable with it.

Why would I want to tell someone, especially if they’re being humorous and mean no offense, that I’m going to bust their face in?

What would my mental disposition have to be that, if a kid were to come into my garden and steal some tomatoes, my instinctive response would be a threat to hack him into 50,000 itty-bitty pieces?


An interesting thing about all this is that the violence is perceived as acceptable.

You never hear of two characters on TV or your brother say to his wife, “If you don’t get over here and help me right now, I’m going to come over there and rape you!”

Woah!

Culturally speaking, by and large, rape has never been acceptable. Violence, however, often as a solution, has been glorified.

Child-rearing, or beating the shit out of one’s kids for the sake of conformity and devil-purging, was a totally acceptable practice not all that long ago. Some parents even still practice milder forms of it.

And in the media, what would TV, movies, video games, and the news be without violence?

This is something that sits in our consciousness both individually and collectively. It drives us to say things we may not think we mean but on some level do.

There’s something in us that wants revenge. There’s something hidden deeply within us that gets triggered unreasonably and uses current events, which reflect the original, repressed, traumatizing events, to give us an excuse to get a little bit of the revenge we desire.


Periodically on this blog I talk about words and phrases and their often unrealized power of creation; I talk about the different ways people manipulate words in an effort to manipulate others.

What must also be understood is what was created before the words that the words themselves are now pointing to.

How we use language is not an accident.

How we use language is directly correlated to our inner state, most of which remains in our subconscious and thus out of our conscious awareness.

In a way it could be said that “speaking just happens” for most people because most people don’t place conscious attention on what they say. The words just tumble out of their mouths as a combination of their understanding of grammar, their culture, and what resonates with their state of consciousness.

Other times on this blog I’ve mentioned how people may think they can hide their issues but can never actually do so completely because they’re always somehow giving themselves away.

The way a person speaks is a great example of this.

Yes, some people are pretty good at “speaking highly” (and will reveal themselves in other ways). But peoples' secrets are usually embedded in their very words.

Because if words and ways of speaking, whether lighter or darker, don’t resonate with one’s inner state of being, the person simply won’t say them.